Posts from the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Shelter My Heart

Encased in steel, I struggle to keep out the pain. I admit that I have been very successful save one rough day; however, I do miss him

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Shelter My Heart

Encased in steel, I struggle to keep out the pain. I admit that I have been very successful save one rough day; however, I do miss him excessively. I doubt his assurances of his feelings though I know he felt something. I am grateful for my choice to remain aloof. I know that inevitably pushed him away but at least I am safe albeit alone. I gave myself a permanent reminder of our time together. That is all I will allow myself. No more communication. I will be strong. I am so glad to know that I really can keep my heart closed.

Turning off one’s heart

I suppose there are pills for that. A Xanax here and a Prozac there….But they don’t really turn anything off…just make one more mild tempered, less affected by one’s rampant emotions, especially for someone like me with bipolar disorder 2. I prefer to use my money for other things because as with all my health issues, time heals. I know that if I stick it out, I will soon be out of this low stage. But for the moment, all that is on my mind is suicide, loneliness and despair. I should be grateful that my wish for things to be better overrides my wish for the pain to end. Unfortunately, I am feeling like this low will never end even though my mind knows it always does. That is why I wish I could just turn off my heart. This is the lowest low I have had in years.

Turning off one’s heart

I suppose there are pills for that. A Xanax here and a Prozac there….But they don’t really turn anything off…just make one more mild tempered, less affected by one’s rampant emotions, especially for someone like me with bipolar disorder 2. I prefer to use my money for other things because as with all my health issues, time heals. I know that if I stick it out, I will soon be out of this low stage. But for the moment, all that is on my mind is suicide, loneliness and despair. I should be grateful that my wish for things to be better overrides my wish for the pain to end. Unfortunately, I am feeling like this low will never end even though my mind knows it always does. That is why I wish I could just turn off my heart. This is the lowest low I have had in years.

Loneliness

I have let my loneliness do some pretty stupid things in the past. I should be glad that I have limited availability to those resources at the moment. Seems to be a vicious circle. I am lonely because I have no real friends or lovers. I want to do act out but due to the fact that I have no real friends or lovers, I am able to resist my urge. If I wasn’t such a chicken shit, I might act out as others do and make opportunities for myself. Glad I got buzzed and tired in the privacy of my own home before I was tempted to go out and do something stupid.

On the go!

So excited to find a free app for WordPress! Now I really can get my mind uncluttered!

So happy to be back

I am about ready to put a razor to my neck.  I am so happy to find my blog again.  It has been a horrible week.  I hope this will be my release.