Archive for April, 2012

Turning off one’s heart

I suppose there are pills for that. A Xanax here and a Prozac there….But they don’t really turn anything off…just make one more mild tempered, less affected by one’s rampant emotions, especially for someone like me with bipolar disorder 2. I prefer to use my money for other things because as with all my health issues, time heals. I know that if I stick it out, I will soon be out of this low stage. But for the moment, all that is on my mind is suicide, loneliness and despair. I should be grateful that my wish for things to be better overrides my wish for the pain to end. Unfortunately, I am feeling like this low will never end even though my mind knows it always does. That is why I wish I could just turn off my heart. This is the lowest low I have had in years.

Turning off one’s heart

I suppose there are pills for that. A Xanax here and a Prozac there….But they don’t really turn anything off…just make one more mild tempered, less affected by one’s rampant emotions, especially for someone like me with bipolar disorder 2. I prefer to use my money for other things because as with all my health issues, time heals. I know that if I stick it out, I will soon be out of this low stage. But for the moment, all that is on my mind is suicide, loneliness and despair. I should be grateful that my wish for things to be better overrides my wish for the pain to end. Unfortunately, I am feeling like this low will never end even though my mind knows it always does. That is why I wish I could just turn off my heart. This is the lowest low I have had in years.

Loneliness

I have let my loneliness do some pretty stupid things in the past. I should be glad that I have limited availability to those resources at the moment. Seems to be a vicious circle. I am lonely because I have no real friends or lovers. I want to do act out but due to the fact that I have no real friends or lovers, I am able to resist my urge. If I wasn’t such a chicken shit, I might act out as others do and make opportunities for myself. Glad I got buzzed and tired in the privacy of my own home before I was tempted to go out and do something stupid.

On the go!

So excited to find a free app for WordPress! Now I really can get my mind uncluttered!

So happy to be back

I am about ready to put a razor to my neck.  I am so happy to find my blog again.  It has been a horrible week.  I hope this will be my release.