Is it possible to be both of yourself and to be repulsed by yourself?  Which is the truth?  I believe that I am proud of my accomplishments and the fact that I want to and try to be good to others.  But, also, I hate myself.  I am ashamed of things I do and have done.  I am disgusted with my weakness and disappointed in all the potential that I have not lived up to.  I often wonder if I really do feel all those things.  Is it possible that my intellect knows I should feel the former and that my heart wants to feel the latter out of some sense of humility?  How can both of those things co-exist in a person without that person going nuts.  Well, I will admit that this is a week where I have often thought of suicide.  But again, my intellect and selfishness and overgrown sense of curiosity keeps me alive as it has for the last 24 years.

I know that many of the choices that I make, particularly the foolish ones, are probably some attempt at salve…or perhaps, an attempt to speed up or facilitate punishment that I believe I deserve deep down.  But, I continue to make these choices…doing things that I shouldn’t, doing things that would hurt others.

I see people like the amazing Martin Luther King, Jr. who inspired a nation…who inspired a planet with just his words…even decades later and feel both inspired and ashamed.  Maya Angelou, through incredible struggles to be the voice of women, particularly black women, makes me feel both joy and a sense of worthlessness.  Brilliant musicians like Harry Connick Jr. who have the passion and skill to dedicate themselves to their art for both themselves and us make me sing but also embarrassed that any small talent I may have had has been squandered for the time to do some other foolishness.  Entrepeneur’s like Beto Perez who take their passion for something like dance and create a worldwide phenomenon make me dance but also bow my head that I do not have the energy or creativity to do something for others.  My own selfish self-interest has created this person who I don’t want to be around.  I continue to volunteer my time and semi-talents to others, but suspect that at the heart of it is just my struggle to bring myself out of this self-pitying spiral of shame.

So, how do I fix it?  Therapy never worked.  The love of a man…well, we won’t go there.  My amazing child is just another source of shame.  Self-help books…hmmm…maybe not.  Perhaps just more introspection, more blogging…or maybe just a few more shots of Patron 😉

Advertisements