Other than the year that I miscarried my beautiful baby, this was the worst of my life.  And it is not because brilliant things didn’t happen.  And it is not because I was struck with tragedy.  It is because I lost the love of my life, irrevocably.  With these events, I learned a lot about myself and discovered many faults within myself.  One might think it is because I did something wrong or he did something wrong, but the truth is I was just not the one for him.  I have heartbreakingly accepted that fact and have spent nearly the entire year with this pain, knowing that there is nothing that I will ever be able to do to “fix” it.  It is just a fact…like the sky being blue or the earth being round.  And for someone with as many control issues as I have, this is a difficult thing to accept on so many levels.

So, is there joy to be found?  In a matter of speaking, there is.  I now know what I want…who my “one” is, what he is “like.”  So many spend their lives trying to figure out what/who they want.  I am now done with that.  Unfortunately, a life lived with the attitude that to regret is foolish since it makes you who are has given me the one single regret in my life.  Sure there are things I wish I had not done throughout my life, but I just chalked it up to experience.  However, allowing myself to admit the love to him and myself will forever be the regret of my life.  Perhaps I am foolish to believe that if I had never admitted this love, I would not still feel this deep ache of loss in my life, but as it stands, I can only assume that like other relationships, any feeling of loss when we (he) realized that it wasn’t going to last would have just faded like with others.  But having admitted that love to myself and him (I still recall the day, time and moment in perfect clarity and how he told me later that it gave him such joy and had him walking on clouds), I set in motion something that could never be undone in my heart and mind.  Now, I must always live with the knowledge that my one really is out there like the poems and love stories say they are, but sadly, I am not his one.

Hardest of all is the loss of friendship.  To ask him, he would probably say that we are still friends, but we have grown quickly apart since his move to be with his love, despite the strong friendship and hard work that I put into supporting him and his choice.  He needed me and I was with him every step of the way despite the searing pain that it brought to me just to see his name come up on my phone, email, facebook, etc.  But, his happiness was more important to me and he needed support through his difficult time.  Being cast aside after all that has been nearly as heartbreaking as being told that I was not the one for him. 

So, what can I do in this New Year?  I hit a milestone in age last year…and did it with ease.  I achieved a goal with one of my interests that brought me great joy and pride.  I discovered a new passion and used that to achieve a personal goal with a struggle that I have worked against my entire life, which may have never been realized if I had not lost my love.  And while I would give any of that up to be told by him that he was wrong and that I am his one, I know that this is my new path.  While I am pretty sure that if I were to purge him from my life altogether, it would probably go almost unnoticed by him, I am not in a position, emotionally, to do so.  He is no longer on my phone and he is certainly no longer living in my town, but he still has a place in my virtual world online that will just have to continue until I can no longer stand his joy and contentment with her…especially since I truly am happy for them.

I will continue to live with my past choices that may have had a small hand in the decisions he made.  I will strive not to participate in my self-destructive behavior that could potentially hurt others if discovered.  I will search for a way to find inner peace rather than using outside sources to salve my pain, heartache, discontent, self-loathing, etc.  And while 90% of the time, I appreciate the silver lining, I will push to increase that since the 10% of rest of the time clouds up the rest of my days.  And while I will work to make this a better year, to be stronger and try to do what is right, I will still allow myself to love him because he will always be my One.

To One – I love you with all my heart.  You are everything I ever wanted…brilliant, funny, nerdy, geeky, clever, caring, thoughtful, hardworking, practical, adventurous and more.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and wish to be in your arms.  I will never stop being happy for you and I will never wish bad things for you.  If you ever wanted to come back, I would be here with open arms.  I love you so much and I would never be able to not tell you that every moment of every day if I knew that you could be mine again.  I miss you more than you could possible imagine and would welcome you back as my best friend again in a heartbeat.  Best wishes with your One.  I love you.

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