Archive for January, 2011

Actually, Karma is the Bitch

Guess she really isn’t.  I mean, that is the whole point, right.  She brings upon you what you have brought upon yourself.  She sets the balance.  Maybe that is what I object to.  I don’t want to have to admit that I did wrong and am reaping what I sow.   No one wants a mirror held up to their faults.  But no matter my intentions for doing right, my need for other things, which I will not go into here, overpowers my memory of how Karma balances things out and I continue to do foolish, foolish things.  Sigh…

Longing – by GG

A beautiful note shared on Facebook by my friend GG who I suspect has a crush on another friend.  I had to share…I miss my ONE who shared such beautiful emotions with me once. 

So it has begun once again, a connection felt with few words.

I begin to ponder where it will go, I begin to wonder what  is next.

Scars from the past still fracture my heart, words still sting my soul. 

I must let go, I must open myself once again.

Give it a chance to heal, ignite the flame which once burned bright many years ago.

The body longing for the touch, my ears lingering in close for any words spoken from her sweet lips.

The gaze of her eyes will bare the truth, does she want to let me in close or push me away.

Does she long for my touch, for these arms to hold her in tight and never let go.

Do my words sing a song, as I whisper nothing but bliss.

Delicate breath, my hands make her body tremble with each stroke across her skin.

Her emotions confused, her heart still broken from the past ones she thought she once loved.

She says please don’t let go, please give me the time to give you what could be yours.

I say to her, the time will be given and I will be here waiting for that day.

The night ends well, we both know how we feel, we both know what we want…

as we fall asleep in each others arms.

I’m a Loser, Baby

Is it possible to be both of yourself and to be repulsed by yourself?  Which is the truth?  I believe that I am proud of my accomplishments and the fact that I want to and try to be good to others.  But, also, I hate myself.  I am ashamed of things I do and have done.  I am disgusted with my weakness and disappointed in all the potential that I have not lived up to.  I often wonder if I really do feel all those things.  Is it possible that my intellect knows I should feel the former and that my heart wants to feel the latter out of some sense of humility?  How can both of those things co-exist in a person without that person going nuts.  Well, I will admit that this is a week where I have often thought of suicide.  But again, my intellect and selfishness and overgrown sense of curiosity keeps me alive as it has for the last 24 years.

I know that many of the choices that I make, particularly the foolish ones, are probably some attempt at salve…or perhaps, an attempt to speed up or facilitate punishment that I believe I deserve deep down.  But, I continue to make these choices…doing things that I shouldn’t, doing things that would hurt others.

I see people like the amazing Martin Luther King, Jr. who inspired a nation…who inspired a planet with just his words…even decades later and feel both inspired and ashamed.  Maya Angelou, through incredible struggles to be the voice of women, particularly black women, makes me feel both joy and a sense of worthlessness.  Brilliant musicians like Harry Connick Jr. who have the passion and skill to dedicate themselves to their art for both themselves and us make me sing but also embarrassed that any small talent I may have had has been squandered for the time to do some other foolishness.  Entrepeneur’s like Beto Perez who take their passion for something like dance and create a worldwide phenomenon make me dance but also bow my head that I do not have the energy or creativity to do something for others.  My own selfish self-interest has created this person who I don’t want to be around.  I continue to volunteer my time and semi-talents to others, but suspect that at the heart of it is just my struggle to bring myself out of this self-pitying spiral of shame.

So, how do I fix it?  Therapy never worked.  The love of a man…well, we won’t go there.  My amazing child is just another source of shame.  Self-help books…hmmm…maybe not.  Perhaps just more introspection, more blogging…or maybe just a few more shots of Patron 😉

There You Go Making My Heart Beat Again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iDPw_qjhtM

Unfortunately, I learned of this song when One offered it to his One, so it makes me think of him everytime I hear it…and not necessarily in a good way.  He pulls me right back in, unintentionally, all the time.  And while we don’t have this relationship, it seems to speak to some parts of our “relationship.”  At any rate, I like to think of him, even though it hurts, so I do like to listen to this catchy tune.

“Stuck Like Glue” by Sugarland

MMMM better…MMMM better…
Absolutely no one that knows me better
No one that can make me feel sooo goooood
How did we stay so long together?
When everybody, everybody said we never would
And just when I, I start to think they’re right
That love has died…

[Chorus:]
There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won’t you do it and do it one time?
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I’m never letting this go-ooo

I’m stuck on you
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we’re stuck like glue
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we’re stuck like glue

Some days I don’t feel like trying
Some days you know I wanna just give up
When it doesn’t matter who’s right, thought about it all night
Had enough
You give me that look
“I’m sorry baby let’s make up”
You do that thing that makes me laugh
And just like that…

[Chorus:]
There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won’t you do it and do it one time
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I’m never letting this go-ooo

I’m stuck on you
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we’re stuck like glue
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby were stuck like glue

Whutooo Whutoo

You almost stay out, too stuck together from the ATL
Whutooo Whutoo
Feeling kinda sick?
Just a spoon full of sugar make it better real quick

I say
Whutooo Whutoo
Whatcha gonna do with that?
Whutooo Whutoo
Come on over here with that
Sugar sticky sweet stuff
Come on give me that stuff
Everybody wants some
Melodies that get stuck

Up in your head
Whutooo whutooo

Up in your head
Whutooo whutooo

Up in your head
Whutooo whutooo

Up in your head
Whutooo whutooo
Whuthoo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me together, say, it’s all I wanna do
I said

[Chorus:]
There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won’t you do it and do it one time
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I’m never letting this go-ooo

There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won’t you do it and do it one time
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I’m never letting this go-ooo
I’m stuck on you

Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we’re stuck like glue
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby were stuck like glue
Whutooo whutooo
Stuck like glue
You and me baby we’re stuck like glue

Year in Review – 2010

Other than the year that I miscarried my beautiful baby, this was the worst of my life.  And it is not because brilliant things didn’t happen.  And it is not because I was struck with tragedy.  It is because I lost the love of my life, irrevocably.  With these events, I learned a lot about myself and discovered many faults within myself.  One might think it is because I did something wrong or he did something wrong, but the truth is I was just not the one for him.  I have heartbreakingly accepted that fact and have spent nearly the entire year with this pain, knowing that there is nothing that I will ever be able to do to “fix” it.  It is just a fact…like the sky being blue or the earth being round.  And for someone with as many control issues as I have, this is a difficult thing to accept on so many levels.

So, is there joy to be found?  In a matter of speaking, there is.  I now know what I want…who my “one” is, what he is “like.”  So many spend their lives trying to figure out what/who they want.  I am now done with that.  Unfortunately, a life lived with the attitude that to regret is foolish since it makes you who are has given me the one single regret in my life.  Sure there are things I wish I had not done throughout my life, but I just chalked it up to experience.  However, allowing myself to admit the love to him and myself will forever be the regret of my life.  Perhaps I am foolish to believe that if I had never admitted this love, I would not still feel this deep ache of loss in my life, but as it stands, I can only assume that like other relationships, any feeling of loss when we (he) realized that it wasn’t going to last would have just faded like with others.  But having admitted that love to myself and him (I still recall the day, time and moment in perfect clarity and how he told me later that it gave him such joy and had him walking on clouds), I set in motion something that could never be undone in my heart and mind.  Now, I must always live with the knowledge that my one really is out there like the poems and love stories say they are, but sadly, I am not his one.

Hardest of all is the loss of friendship.  To ask him, he would probably say that we are still friends, but we have grown quickly apart since his move to be with his love, despite the strong friendship and hard work that I put into supporting him and his choice.  He needed me and I was with him every step of the way despite the searing pain that it brought to me just to see his name come up on my phone, email, facebook, etc.  But, his happiness was more important to me and he needed support through his difficult time.  Being cast aside after all that has been nearly as heartbreaking as being told that I was not the one for him. 

So, what can I do in this New Year?  I hit a milestone in age last year…and did it with ease.  I achieved a goal with one of my interests that brought me great joy and pride.  I discovered a new passion and used that to achieve a personal goal with a struggle that I have worked against my entire life, which may have never been realized if I had not lost my love.  And while I would give any of that up to be told by him that he was wrong and that I am his one, I know that this is my new path.  While I am pretty sure that if I were to purge him from my life altogether, it would probably go almost unnoticed by him, I am not in a position, emotionally, to do so.  He is no longer on my phone and he is certainly no longer living in my town, but he still has a place in my virtual world online that will just have to continue until I can no longer stand his joy and contentment with her…especially since I truly am happy for them.

I will continue to live with my past choices that may have had a small hand in the decisions he made.  I will strive not to participate in my self-destructive behavior that could potentially hurt others if discovered.  I will search for a way to find inner peace rather than using outside sources to salve my pain, heartache, discontent, self-loathing, etc.  And while 90% of the time, I appreciate the silver lining, I will push to increase that since the 10% of rest of the time clouds up the rest of my days.  And while I will work to make this a better year, to be stronger and try to do what is right, I will still allow myself to love him because he will always be my One.

To One – I love you with all my heart.  You are everything I ever wanted…brilliant, funny, nerdy, geeky, clever, caring, thoughtful, hardworking, practical, adventurous and more.  There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and wish to be in your arms.  I will never stop being happy for you and I will never wish bad things for you.  If you ever wanted to come back, I would be here with open arms.  I love you so much and I would never be able to not tell you that every moment of every day if I knew that you could be mine again.  I miss you more than you could possible imagine and would welcome you back as my best friend again in a heartbeat.  Best wishes with your One.  I love you.