I Hate Weekends – Originally Posted 4/2/10 (B&Ming)

How does that make any sense?  Everyone is supposed to love the weekend.  I do enjoy the time off work.  I just don’t like having to find ways to entertain myself.  See, weekends are the loneliest time for me.  Husband is gone, daughter is gone.  That means I have to spend time alone with me, myself and I, and well, I am still not all that fond of those three bitches.  It is not that I don’t like myself.  It is that I am my harshest critic.  It comes from a childhood of having a army sergeant for a father, perhaps.  Not only did he do everything in his life like he was running the army, but he also expects things a particular way…no tolerance, no room for error.  His way, or no way.  It is funny because my brother learned that from him and directs it out to everyone else in his life and I learned it from him and direct it in on myself.  I am by no means perfect.  I take my little rebellions…my house is cluttered, my car is cluttered, I pay bills only when I need to and often late, I curse, I am overweight, etc.  But, my mind is constantly in chastise mode.

“You are so lazy”

“You are so disorganized”

“You are an adult, why are you behaving this way”

“You are an intelligent person, you know better.”

So, when I don’t have plans for the weekend…when I can’t spend time with a special someone who makes me laugh and keeps my mind on other things, when I don’t have the extra cash to run around…I am alone with the nagging little wench.

Weekends…blech!

Comments:

X – 4/4/10: Why don’t you and I chit chat during the weekends, ’cause I for sure enjoy the company of those “three bitches” and “nagging wench”. Maybe because they are a whole hell of a lot like me.

(Am I calling myself a “bitch”? Oh hella yeah. We bitches gotta stick together)

Me – 4/4/10: It’s a deal! M was surprised that we hadn’t already been texting. Thanks for contacting me. It is great to have someone who is so similar to me to talk to…

X – 4/4/10: Birds of a feather and all that … *wink*

Pathetic – Originally posted 4/2/10 (B&Ming)

 Gawd, I am so ridiculous…pissed off and lonely because I have to drive Sonja Tajeh to the airport by myself.  Was thinking that Stey and I would eat Pei Wei and have a nice time, but she is tired and wants to stay here with TB.  I don’t begrudge her that, but I am feeling incredibly pathetic because I have to rely on others for my joy and entertainment.  Maybe I will go to The Comic Strip by myself.  It isn’t like I would be able to talk to anyone while doing that since it is a show.  Plus, I was gonna where my new size 6 jeans and Medium top that makes me look like I have a nice butt.  Feel like I am wasting it, now.  Sonya sure as hell won’t care.

I really need to get over this alone thing.  What happened?  I used to be content to be alone.

Comments:

X – 4/4/10: I have a whole hell of a lot to say about this, but I’ll text ya instead

Me – 4/4/10: Hahaha…okay =)

Baffwater – No Doubt – Originally Posted 4/2/10 (changed for searches) (Lyrics)

You and your museum of lovers
The precious collection you’ve housed in your covers
My simpleness threatened by my own admission

And the bags are much too heavy
In my insecure condition
My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again

But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn’t love another
I can’t help it…you’re my kind of man

Wanted and adored by attractive women
Bountiful selection at your discretion
I know I’m diving into my own destruction

So why do we choose the boys that are naughty?
I don’t fit in so why do you want me?
And I know I can’t tame you…but I just keep trying

‘Cause I love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn’t love another
I’m on your list with all your other women
But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
You make me feel like I couldn’t love another
I can’t help it…you’re my kind of man

Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?

So I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligently doubtful through all kinds of trouble
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

‘Cause I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn’t love another
Share a toothbrush…you’re my kind of man
I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Make me feel like I couldn’t love another
I can’t help it…you’re my kind of man

No I can’t help myself
I can’t help myself
I still love to wash in your old bathwater

Comments:

Me – 4/2/10: This is ME to a T!!!!!!

X – 4/4/10: This explains so much… for me

Me – 4/4/10: I know what you mean. For me it is:

And the bags are much too heavy
In my insecure condition
My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again

AND

So I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligently doubtful through all kinds of trouble
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

My insecurities are what helped to ruin things with D years ago and I think it probably was a problem with the second guy I told you about, too. We def got to get past it, X, if we want to be successful in love. As soon as you find a solution, let me know. I will help you market it and we can make a ton of money…hahahaha

X – 4/4/10: I’m all for marketing the “solution” but ain’t no way I will do any implementing… so how can I sell and support a product I won’t use myself? Not good for our target audience and for product image.

Me – 4/4/10: That is when you use a little creative marketing, X…in other words…LIE through your teeth…hahaha. Kirstie Alley is selling a weight loss product…ummm, if she can do that, I think we can sell a solution to insecurity and how it destroys potential love, even if you/we decide never to allow it in our lives again

Sonja Tajeh – Originally posted 4/3/10 (changed for searches) (HHJJ)

So, I took her to the airport yesterday.  Within two blocks of MDA, I started to worry that we weren’t going to talk at all because, while she was answering direct questions, she was very busy on her smart phone.  I didn’t want to interrupt her.  She has a “business” to run. 

But we did talk about various things….mostly dance.  I find it inspiring that she started in dance so late and has made such a huge career out of it in a relatively short time.  She obviously has resolve, determination, a genuine love for dance and a voice to share with the world.  But more important, I don’t think she harbors any delusions of entitlement.  Too many young people these days feel entitled.  I see this a lot in the dance studio.  When you feel entitled, you don’t put in the work or make the sacrifices to get the things you want or deserve.  She and talked about that a bit.  She was very interesting to talk to.

She was not too happy about the cows in Anthony.  She wasn’t angry or upset, just sad.  She asked a lot of questions about them.  I learned that she has been a vegetarian for 16 years (except fish).  Like Stey, she doesn’t really eat eggs.  She eats less dairy than Stey, though. 

She doesn’t like DWTS either…hahaha.  And I had to tell her about the new format for SYTYCD.  I thought that was pretty funny.  She asked me if they were still hiring choreographers.  That would have been horrible if she had come to Las Cruces to learn that she no longer had a job with SYTYCD for next season.  Too funny.  Not being a fan of the new format for next season, she pointed out to me that it was better for the choreographers.  She said it was really difficult to work with 2 dancers who are generally not in her genre and are not in each other’s genre.  She says it is an incredible challenge.  Out of 10 pieces that she has choreographed, only 2 were comfortable.  The other 8 were stressful and frustrating.  I can most definitely see her point.  As choreographers, they really put themselves out there when they send a piece to the stage.  They have to put faith and trust in fairly inexperienced dancers for the entire nation to see and judge.  So, I will stop bitching and moaning about the new format in honor of Sonya and the other choreographers.

I am glad I got the opportunity to talk to her, even for just an hour.  She was very patient and sweet.  I wish her the best in her journey.  Her story of starting dance late has reinspired me to consider going to NMSU for a major in dance.  But that is a blog for another day. =)

Comments:

X – 4/4/10: How amazingly awesome to have a love of dance and actually *dance*. I will need to do that too, one day.

Me – 4/4/10: It is the best, X. I have been doing it since 1999 and aside from an amazing daughter, this is the one thing that never lets me down in bringing me joy. My only disappointment is in not having a partner to do it with in a social setting. Haven’t had any one since D and that was almost 20 years ago. I wish boys would realize how much farther they could get with girls if they would just learn to enjoy moving around the floor with their girl…even if they aren’t that good at it

Me – 7/12/10: Spent the weekend catching up on SYTYCD which Fox finally posted online. I was strictly ANTI new format until talking to Sonya. Then, I was tolerant of the new format for the sake of Sonya and the other choreographers. After having watched the two episodes and their results shows, I have decided that I LOVE the format. It has allowed for exceptional dancing and choreography…some of the best I have ever seen on the show. And Sonya has become one of the biggest highlights of the show. I am in AWE!!! The only bad thing now is that it is going faster. We had an additional five weeks to lose the first ten of the top 20. This time, it started at the top 11. Nevertheless, it has reinspired me to pursue dance. I am going to email DK NOW!

Me – 10/8/10: Still have been too chicken to contact the Dance Dept.

Weekend Turnaround – Originally posted 4/4/10 (HHJJ)

As usual, I dreaded the weekend…this one in particular for being a three day.  But, I will admit that it turned out better than I had hoped.  Friday, I actually got off my ass and did some stuff that I should have done a long time…posting some stuff for sale.  Besides needing the cash, it will be nice not to have the clutter. I am really making an effort to simplify my life.  I need to minimize everything.   Plus, meeting Sonya really did help me in a way. It is not that I want to become a world famous dancer or choreographer, but I can feel better about my love for dance and my interest in pursuing it beyond just a method of exercise.

Saturday, I was hoping to spend time with one particular friend and that didn’t work out, but lucky me, X, texted me and we talked for hours.  It is so great to have someone to talk to who is so similar to me in many ways and yet still different enough that I can feel that I can make her feel better about certain issues.  If I knew what to say to myself, I wouldn’t be so unhappy all the time.  But she is different enough that I still have hope that our conversations will make her feel better.  Just as I believe, she hopes that our conversations will make me feel better…hahahaha.  Anyway, I feel very blessed that we are friends again.  We did a lot of things together in HS, but never really spent time together outside of the academic day. Now, I think that we can really get to know each other and become true friends. 

Today, Sunday, started with a real breakfast which I haven’t treated myself to in a long time.  It was delish!  And then, I got to see my goddaughter and her baby sister.  That was lovely.  Jai took the bottle from me and slept in my arms for a while.  Jacq spent most of the time showing off her toys to Stey.  I just love those little girls.  Nik gave me one of MS’s old Harley shirts.  It is one she used to wear to work a lot…I recognized it as soon as she brought it out of the bedroom.  I couldn’t help but cry thinking about MS and missing her so much.  I feel very lucky that she gave me the shirt.  Not sure, yet, what I will do with it (wear it, save it, make it into something), but I am so glad to have the option.  Neesh took everything of MS’s from work before we even had a chance to come to terms with her death.  I would have kept something to remember her by if I had been given a chance.  I am glad to have the pics and this shirt, now.

So, while it wasn’t a weekend that will make me tell people tomorrow “I had a great weekend,” I can honestly say that it was a good weekend.   I am still feeling down about one aspect of my life, but I think I am better coming to terms with it, especially with the help of X…but that is for another blog….hahaha.  Now, I am wondering if I should let myself take a nap…stupid insomnia…

Comments:

X – 4/8/10: X here, happy to be of service, Ms. NTW, BUT1 I think you help me out more that what I do for you ❤

Jealous – Originally posted 4/4/10 (Musings)

A friend posted this on his FB today…I imagine what it would be like to have someone so enamored of you to write such beautiful things for you…hahaha, of course, maybe it was completely fictional…I know little about Ovid.  Obviously, we can’t all be creative and express ourselves as such.  Most people have to find other ways to express oneself.  Unfortunately, I am blessed with an appreciation for this type of expression, but not with someone who has the ability or interest in expressing themselves to me, thusly.  I am so jealous…hahaha 😉 Of course, I express my love in other ways…sadly, being motherly is probably the most common way and that doesn’t exactly foster love/lust in guys, tee hee hee.  Thanks for sharing, Loso…my one friend who studies latin.  Otherwise, I never would have read such beauty.  But, now that I have found Ovid online, I can read more (in English; however).

“ut stetit ante oculos posito velamine nostros,in toto nusquam corpore menda fuit. quos umeros, quales vidi tetigique lacertos! forma papillarum quam fuit apta premi! quam castigato planus sub pectore venter! quantum et quale latus! quam iuvenale femur! Singula quid referam? nil non laudabile vidi et nudam pressi corpus ad usque meum.” ~Ovid

When, her apparel laid aside, she stood naked before mine eyes, not a blemish was to be seen on her whole body. What shoulders, what arms it was my privilege to behold and to touch. What bliss to press a bosom shaped so perfectly for such caresses. How soft and smooth her skin beneath her lovely breasts, how divine her figure, how firm and plump her thighs. But wherefore should I here tell o’er the number of her charms? Nought did I see that was not perfect, nor was there aught, how thin soe’er, between her lovely body and my own.

Comments:

X – 4/8/10: Yes, this made me EXTREMELY JEALOUS too!! Especially because I wondered *who* he thought of to move him enough to post it

Me – 4/8/10: Honestly, I don’t think it was about anyone in particular. He really loves Ovid and gets into these moods of reading him….part of that wanting to become proficient in Latin thing. He used to post Ovid all the time. It is actually a good thing that he is again because that, hopefully, means they are easing up on him at work…

On Love – Originally posted 4/4/10 (Musings)

Some interesting quotes I found online…unfortunately, some of them are uncited, so if you know any of them, please help me to connect them with the appropriate author.  Some are about love in its happiest form, some are about loss.  Some are cynical and some humorous…enjoy!

[One of my faves] Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.  ~Robert Heinlein

[For X] Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.  ~Zora Neale Hurston

“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it’s not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I’ve got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

 “If I never met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t love you. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.

 “I’m not supposed to love you, I’m not supposed to care, I’m not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I’m not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do…I’m sorry I can’t help myself, I’m in love with you.

 “You may not love me today, tomorrow, or ever, but I will love you until it kills me, and, even then, you’ll be in my heart.

 “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gaiman

 “Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it’s when he ignores you and you still love him, it’s when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I’m happy for you, when all you really do is cry.

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. – Sam Keen, from To Love and Be Loved

“The spaces between your fingers were created so that another’s could fill them in.”

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, “thats her”….

 Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

 If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

 Don’t say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.

What I need to live has been given to me by the earth. Why I need to live has been given to me by you.

 King Henry VIII – I beseech you now with all my heart definitely to let me know your whole mind as to the love between us…

Herman Hesse – If I know what love is, it is because of you.

For hearing my thoughts, understanding my dreams and being my best friend… for filling my life with joy and loving me without end… I do.

 Pearl S. Buck – I love people. I love my family, my children… but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that’s where you renew your springs that never dry up.

Ralph Waldo Emerson – Thou art to me a delicious torment.

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.  ~Mother Teresa

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.  ~Jonathan Carroll, “Outside the Dog Museum”

Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners.  Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway.  ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.  ~W. Somerset Maugham, A Writer’s Notebook, 1949

Love – a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.  ~Author Unknown

The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other gods.  ~Theodor Reik, Of Love and Lust, 1957

The hardest-learned lesson:  that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

A bell is no bell ’til you ring it,
A song is no song ’til you sing it,
And love in your heart
Wasn’t put there to stay –
Love isn’t love
‘Til you give it away.
~Oscar Hammerstein, Sound of Music, “You Are Sixteen (Reprise)”

When you’re in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.  ~Natalie Clifford Barney

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.  ~Author unknown, as printed in The Hoosier Farmer

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.  ~Lynda Barry

Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old.  ~John Ciardi

Sometimes the shortest distance between two points is a winding path walked arm in arm.  ~Robert Brault

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.  ~Robert Frost

You know you’re in love when you don’t want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.  ~Dr. Seuss

Love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams.  ~Fyodor Dostoevski

The heart has its reasons that reason knows nothing of.  ~Blaise Pascal, Pensées, 1670

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.  ~George Jean Nathan

Love makes time pass; time makes love pass.  ~French Proverb

When you’re attracted to someone it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously, so what we know as fate is two neuroses knowing that they’re a perfect match.  ~Jeff Arch, Nora Ephron, and David S. Ward, Sleepless in Seattle

Some say that true love is a mirage; seek it anyway, for all else is surely desert.  ~Robert Brault

So dear I love him, that with him all deaths I could endure, without him live no life.  ~John Milton

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved – loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.  ~Victor Hugo

Love is the greatest refreshment in life.  ~Pablo Picasso

I was half in love with her by the time we sat down.  That’s the thing about girls.  Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.  ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1945

Once a man has won a woman’s love, the love is his forever.  He can only lose the woman.  ~Robert Brault

Just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.  ~Author Unknown

Love is the self-delusion we manufacture to justify the trouble we take to have sex.  ~Dan Greenburg

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  ~Author Unknown

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.  ~Michel de Montaigne

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long.  If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Going Into Hiding – Originally posted 4/5/10 (B&Ming)

Feeling very overwhelmed today.  Stress with FOO, stress with home, stress with finances, stress with Stey, stress with work and to top it all off, the pain from my bad discs is at an all time high today.  Strangely, the FOO stress is the one that seems to overwhelm everything and it is the one thing that should be the easiest.  There are no ifs, ands or buts in that situation and yet, my stupid brain can’t seem to commit to any closure on that.  So, in an effort to try, yet again, to make my mind accept it, I am going to try to go into hiding again.  I am going to avoid texting and FB and see if I can make myself accept that it ain’t gonna happen…ain’t gonna kowtow to my will.

GD, MF!

Feeling Better? – Originally posted 4/5/10 (HHJJ)

Not a damn thing has changed…but somehow I feel better…guess that is what happens with a little of my FOO fix…hahaha.  I am not going to think too hard on it, just enjoy it because by the time my insomnia kicks in, I will be blue again. 

Tonight, take Yaspo out and see if that helps with the insomnia, even though it reminds me too much…I gots to sleep, peoples!

Zo/Alex – Originally posted 4/7/10 (Musings)

Sitting at home…watching an episode of Roseanne who is pregnant in the episode.  I have been doing really well on the baby stuff.  Don’t have a problem holding babies anymore…can see pregnant women and small children without getting sentimental.  Can even watch shows about women having babies. 

…until Roseanne said “I heard the baby’s heartbeat.”

Baby Zo or Alex would have been born two years ago on the 18th.  Oh, god!  My baby…

Of course, all those thoughts and feelings come flooding back.

What did I do wrong?

Why am I being punished?

What could I have done to keep him/her safe inside me?

Thank goodness for Stey and my mom.  I could not have endured that final ultrasound without Stey.  And I could never have collected the products of conception without my mom there.  I never rely on my mom.  She has never been the strong one.  We have never been exceptionally close, but I am so lucky that she pulled it together for this, cuz I was a fucking mess.

It is so ridiculous how helpless I was.  I was so childish and foolish.  Lately, I finally got to the point where I can avoid discussing it.  Most people are not very understanding about it.  Everyone was nice, but you constantly get the “at least you have Stey” and “you can try again” bullshit.  I was able to just pull it inside and move past it.  I never realized that such a simple phrase would have it all come flooding back.  My beautiful baby, lost before the second trimester.  Albo’s only miraculous chance at a his own child.  Stey’s only miraculous chance at a sibling.  And my only miraculous chance at experiencing the utter joy and pride of carrying and holding another beautiful baby.

And what makes it harder is the two beautiful ultrasounds where I heard the baby’s heartbeat.  My beautiful baby, whom I will always love and always regret losing.  My beautiful Zo or Alex.

Comments:

Random Kind Stranger 1 – 4/7/10: I’m sorry. Shit, that’s the wrong thing to say because it doesn’t mean anything if I’m sorry and I have no idea what you’re going through because I’m only 14. I can’t tell you that ‘everything happens for a reason’ because even if I believe that’s true, that still sucks. A lot. And so I’m sorry, even if that doesn’t mean anything, and I want it to be enough but it’s not it’s not it’s not.

Me – 4/7/10: Thanks so much. I have a 16 year old and I know that even at a young age, your feelings are real and valid. It does give me some comfort and I hope with all the being of my heart that you never know what this feels like.

RKS1 – 4/7/10: You’ve got a lot of strength.

X – 4/8/10: This… this made me cry. All I have to say is Zo/Alex was blessed to have been carried by you. He/she lives in your being. In god’s memory as well. And now… in mine.

Me – 4/8/10: Feeling much better about this today. It really helped to write about it and share with others, even if it was just X and RKS1. I appreciate their support and good thoughts. Stey wanted to talk about it last night, but I just couldn’t do it. I don’t want to cause her pain, too. I know that I put my friends and family through a lot at the time. I don’t want to drag them through it again.

X – 4/8/10: The time to heal is different for everyone. I know you may not want to “burden” friends and family, however, to carry the burden all on your own is not very fair to you and… in turn, your unhappiness can affect you “friends and family”

Me – 4/9/10: You are absolutely right, X. I know that it does affect my family when I am down or upset or pissed or whatever my mood is. But this pain is too rough. Stey quickly forgot about the incident and Albo wasn’t around, as usual, so it was easy enough just to keep it to myself. I am feeling much better, at any rate. Just had to let that pain out and get back to my comfortable place of acceptance. Thanks for everything.

Oh Blessed Sleep – Originally Posted 4/8/10 (Writings)

Oh blessed sleep

The keeper of my dreams

The holder of my thoughts

The silencer of my screams

Oh blessed sleep

In my childhood, I did hate

In my youth, I did abuse

In my now, I do await

Oh blessed sleep

Each night though you allude

I wait for you to come

So that I can be renewed

Oh blessed sleep

You are the one to calm

The torment of the day

My own sweet healing balm

Oh blessed sleep

Though I wake to thoughts of him

I know I can rely on you

To take me away again

Comments:

Me – 4/8/10: Argh! The formatting is messed up. Oh well. I still like it. Fourth stanza is a little awkward. I may edit eventually. But right now, I am too sleepy.

Week is Done – Originally posted 4/9/10 (Writings)

(to the tune of Taps)

Week is done, on the run

From our jobs, to our homes, beer in glass

Fair thee well, week from hell

Kiss my ass

Weekly Wrap-Up – Originally posted 4/9/10 (B&Ming)

This was one rough week…ups and downs galore.

Lots of personal, financial and work stress – DOWN

Lots of Foo time – UP

Memories of Zo/Alex – DOWN

Worked out the issue with the bank – UP

Pain in back and hip is worse than it has been in a loooooong time – DOWN

Down to a size six and only ten pounds to go – UP

Still haven’t gotten to go to the movies with Foo – DOWN

Reconnected with a good friend, X – UP

More drama with employees – DOWN

Friend is gonna help me with my computer so that I can, hopefully, get back my iTunes – UP

Stey has been hateful – DOWN

I know Stey still loves me – UP

Still can’t sleep – DOWN

Took a nice long nap today – UP

Arrr went to jail for two weeks – DOWN

No work for two days – UP

Am way behind for Bsew – DOWN

Bought some new jeans – UP

Don’t really want to go to SRD for Take – DOWN

Have wonderful friends in my life – UP

I am exhausted from the constant ups and downs.  I would like to just win the lottery and move off somewhere away from all the pressures and unhappiness.  I am afraid to seek my own happiness for fear that I will hurt others or make things more difficult for myself and Stey.  It is wonderful talking to a few close friends about stuff, but I wish that I could have someone with whom I could curl up on the couch with some nice music playing and just feel loved and comforted….maybe a little bit of chatting, maybe a few tears, maybe a few daydreams, maybe a few beers, maybe a few kisses, maybe a few…Oh, Snap!  Think I just started a new poem.  Off to another post…

Sofa Party – Originally posted 4/9/10 (Writings)

Cuddling and snuggling on a sofa for two

The week has been long and the bills are all due

We need someone with whom to share

The ups and downs of the week’s nightmare

Maybe a few stories, maybe a few tears,

Maybe a few daydreams, maybe a few beers,

Maybe a few kisses, maybe a few sighs

Maybe a few candles to light up your eyes

Cuddling and snuggling on a sofa for two

The weekend’s begun, thank god I have you

The calm, the joy, the relief that you bring

After a week that was spent in a wrestling ring

Maybe some more stories, maybe some more tears

Maybe some more daydreams, maybe some more beer

But I need your kisses, and I need your sighs

Because I am drowning in love from your eyes

Cuddling and snuggling on a sofa for two

Your arms are around me, I’ll just make it through

And when it is time to finally say good night

I’ll look back at this sofa and know everything’s alright

Comments:

Me – 4/9/10: This is what I am looking for in love…someone with whom to share, to look forward to coming home to, to share affection and thoughts. It may be simple, but it would be ideal.

Sullen Teenages SUCK – Originally posted 4/12/10 (B&Ming)

I know that indirectly it is my fault…need to order meds, but I am really getting pretty effing tired of being bitched out, chastised, insulted, etc. by the daughter who claims to be my best friend and who I practically walk over fire to support and encourage. 

I know she was feeling down because TB never wants to do what she wants to do (Gawd, how I wish she would break up with him), so, on a whim, we rushed to the mall to go see Hot Tub Time Machine.  The plan was for her to get some candy at the shop before.  We realized on the way that there just wasn’t time, so then she sulked and bitched that it was the only reason she wanted to go to begin with.  During the movie, I tried to engage her in some of the little 80’s homages they included but she kept chastising me about being quiet, not getting so “alarmed” at parts of the movie and for checking when my phone would vibrate.  By the end, I was pissed off too and just wanted to get away from her.  I regretted my decision to go despite the fact that I liked the movie. 

Then, after the movie, I had to make her go get the gd candy….after she made me feel guilty before the movie for not getting it.  She acted like a three year old, not following me, repeating “I’m not going to get anything.”  We finally made it there and she finally bought some.  By the time we got back to the truck, she apologized and admitted that she behaved rudely and childishly.  But, I was so upset, I didn’t even want to be in the same vehicle with her.  If I hadn’t needed to get ready for GS, I would have left the house and gone to work for the rest of the evening. 

I never try to deliberately hurt her.  I have hard times and am off my meds, too.  But I would never try to make her feel bad intentionally.  I just don’t get her.  I don’t understand why, when she is in a bad mood, it gets taken out on me.  Especially when I am rarely the reason she is in a bad mood to begin with. =(

Days like this, I would gladly move to Phoenix or San Francisco or Seattle and not worry about being around her 24/7 after she graduates.

Sigh – Originally posted 4/13/10 (HHJJ)

Still on a high from a lovely chat… =)

Young Love Old Love – Originally posted 4/17/10 (Writings)

Young love
Fire
Fear
Vast
The here and the now
Too young for a past
Mental confusion
Hopeless delusion
Hoping to be the ones who last

Old love
Longing
Hope
Near
The past and the future
The pathway is clear
Heart in illumination
Mutual admiration
Soulmates who persevere

He was her young love
The love of her life
The passion of her youth
His foolish hopeful wife
But just as youth fades
So too did his love
Forever to part
No more to speak of

Til one day comes along
The love of her age
The one with whom she can share and engage
The heat of a slow burn
Much more lasting and true
A real friend and soulmate
Who makes her feel new

This young love
This old love
Twenty years apart
One ends in sadness
One a new start
But how shall it end
Well, as they so often do
With tears and a handshake
And a sorry, we’re through

Her young love
Her old love
Has thus taught her well
You have fooled her twice
She’s breaking the spell
So stay away love
You’re not welcome here
You cheated her twice
Not a single more tear

Comments:

Me – 4/17/10: For Dom and Foo

X – 4/18/10: This is brilliant.

Me – 4/19/10: Thanks…didn’t quite put across what I was thinking. I wanted to demonstrate how when you are young, it is all fire and passion. Maturity is not there to really make it lasting. But when you are old, you can really appreciate and enjoy the other person on a much deeper level. But despite those difference in youth and age, it doesn’t really matter because when it is over, it is still devastating.

At any rate, trying not to dwell on the love sucks stuff….hahaha. Just gonna move on and just avoid it at all costs in the future. It is great when it works and just wanna be happy for those for whom it works. Thanks for letting me whine, X.

Happy Birthday, Zo/Alex – Originally posted 4/19/10 (Musings)

So, yesterday would have been his/her 2nd birthday.  I posted something on FB which I now regret because I know it made Stey sad.  She was the reason I didn’t want to talk about it two weeks ago.  This is so why I hate to share and why I need to blog.  I just don’t want to hurt others or myself and further. 

I was wise enough not to post the ultrasound picture.  I did that more for myself.  I didn’t want a bunch of comments.  I think I’d rather just “enjoy” the misery alone. 

Honestly, I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I had a toddler.  I know certain things would have never happened, so part of me is disappointed even though I don’t want to have any regrets about that.  Does the joy ever overwhelm the pain.  Sure…it must or people wouldn’t continue falling in love.  I am just not there yet.  But, I will never be able to honestly say that it is good that Zo/Alex died or else I never would have met…

So, the theme of the decade seems to be loss and heartache.  Ever since the miscarriage labor day weekend 2007, I have been on this roller coaster ride of pain and grief.  I have dragged poor Stey along.  Everytime a little happiness comes along, it is yanked out from under us.  It sure as hell feels like punishment.  So, I keep making adjustments…finding ways to be better, balance the karma.  I need to find the resolve to complete my sacrifices to get there.  I know that I will never have a baby now.  I had a moment this weekend when, having heard about the possibility of Foo and his new girl doing that felt like a knife slicing open my throat and heart, but upon reflection, I know that it just isn’t for me anymore.  I have already fucked up one kid (and a couple of adults, too).  I don’t need to be screwing up any more.  So, I think after 12 years, I have finally come to terms with that.

Though my arms ache for their loss, though I will never forget the horror of that weekend long physical and emotional pain of purging that innocent child from my loins, I will keep reminding myself that it wasn’t meant to be.  I probably wouldn’t have been a good parent.  I am not in a position to provide the best home or life for a child.  I would have loved and adored that baby with all my heart.  I would have done everything in my limited power to do right by him/her just as I have with Stey. But I will accept it and move on.

I will always love you, Zo/Alex.  I will always regret the loss of your little body from mine.  But, I hope that it was for the best, even if I never know why…

Love, Mama Bear

Sullen Teenagers Still Suck – Originally posted 4/19/10 (B&Ming)

Time to hole up in the bedroom…watch my TBBT and then take Yaspo for a walk.  Still worried about the latter, but I just need to get the hell away…

Comments:

Me – 6/8/10: Okay..maybe sullen is better than hateful, screaming, insulting ones…

Re-Boot – Originally posted on 4/22/10 (B&Ming)

That is what I need to do with my life.  I need to do a hard re-boot so that I can purge that which is overwhelming me, that which is stressing me out, that which I can do nothing about…then I can start fresh.

I am in a constant state of stress lately.  My mind is constantly awhir with the things that I have to do or should do, with financial worries, with the pain in my hip/back, with the need/compulsion to exercise and lose more weight, with the stress of parenting, with the stress of the particular circumstances of my marriage, with the stress friends, with the work, with grief and loss, with volunteer activities, with everything!  I have had insomnia for a long time now…gosh, I think months.  Last night, I only got two hours of sporadic sleep.  I have become punchy which just adds to the stress which probably worsens the insomnia.

I was telling BM earlier that if I could win the lottery…not a lot, just enough to get my head above water, that would be a huge help.  I guess it ain’t gonna happen if I don’t buy a damn ticket.  Have decided to write to Stey’s bio father and ask him to send her money for all that is coming up for her…car, senior pics, senior ring, yearbook, trips, etc.  I just hope that he is in a position to do so.  Cuz the only way I know how to reboot is to pull a grizzle adam.

Metaphorical Straw – Originally posted 4/27/10 (Musings)

It is coming.  I feel it.  That straw.

Weekend – Originally posted 5/10/10 (B&Ming)

Not sure if I ever “published” this…from April 17

I am torn…

Foo is talking to me again, regularly…good or bad?  How about, good, but “hard”…

Tomorrow will be ridiculously busy.  And I am still wide awake at almost 3am.

No plans for Sunday aside from GS. 

So, I guess it is a “good” weekend.  Certainly better than that godawful job of mine.  These last two weeks have been hell.  And I will admit that some of the problems have been my own fault, so to speak, but mostly it is just the little stressors that are really killing me…things I have no control over.

No Sympathy – Originally posted 5/10/10 (Musings)

And who could blame them.  All I ever do is bitch and moan…just look at my categories to see that.  I have been avoiding the blog.  I have been avoiding my friends.  Tired of always whining.  It is so unproductive.  And, I am back to hearing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”  Maybe they are not using those specific words, but the intent is the same.  Change your attitude, Linda and you won’t be so unhappy all the time.  Even my 16 year old daughter is telling me that. 

Well, if it was so easy to just change one’s attitude to be happy, wouldn’t everyone do that?  I just don’t understand that philosophy.  Perhaps I never will.  Right now, just wallowing in the loneliness and the overwhelming need to run away and start new…alone and anonymous.

I suppose this, too, shall pass.  But for now…will wallow and avoid.  Been pretty easy since I am usually the pathetic loser who tries to initiate the conversations.  Finding it a lot easier lately not to try to text every gd thing that comes to my mind.  Even stayed off FB all weekend.  Really close to closing that account.  But, now I use it for so much, like staying in contact with family, that it wouldn’t be a practical solution.

Stay busy, stay busy, stay busy.  Idle hands are the devil’s workshop…isn’t that the saying?  Well, really more like idle minds…

Comments:

X – 5/10/10: You are f**king entitled, do you hear me? You have a divine, inalienable right to feel like sh*t when ever the hell you want and NO one, not friends, not family, hell, not even *you* can tell you to do something different if you don’t want.

Me – 5/11/10: Hahaha…thanks, X. Great lunch, BTW!

Maybe He’ll Change His Mind – Originally posted 5/14/10 (Musings)

Hahahaha…I scoffed when she said it. Seemed ridiculous at the time. Still does, but can’t stop thinking about it. Luckily, I am not SO foolish as to ever believe it. Life sucks, but at least I know what to expect now. There is some comfort in that. And at least, this way, my weekends aren’t so miserable.

On Regret – Originally posted 5/14/10 (Musings)

Regret is a funny thing.  Up until a few months ago, I never regretted any big decisions in my life.  I might have regretted eating a particular food or seeing a particular movie, but that regret was superficial and fleeting. 

But the big things…”relationships”, children, etc., those are the things that one doesn’t want to regret in life.  And I always thought I had a very mature view of the decisions that I had made throughout my life…all those choices, whether made by me or done to me, had made me the person I am.  All those choices brought me to the place I am today.  And my life was good, right?  Good job. Great kid. Nice friends. Fun activities.  Even those things that brought me deep sorrow in my past could be looked upon as good because they led to good things.  Stey is the perfect example of that.  Up until 1992, I had a lot of disappointments and sorrows that I never “appreciated.”  But even moving to this hellhole and being dumped by who I thought was the love of my life ended up being good things because if I had never lived them, I would never have been put on the path towards my wonderful daughter. 

William O’Rourke says that regret is an odd emotion because it only comes upon reflection.  It lacks immediacy and so it is not there to help when it is actually needed.

So, currently, I am still in the wondering stage…wondering if regret is the right feeling.  Sure, I feel disappointment, sorrow among other things like anger and bewilderment.  But do I go against my better judgement and allow the regret to creep in?  I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to be the person who regrets big choices.  One choice made many years ago, has produced no lasting happiness or advantages, if you will.  That choice continues to be a source of confusion and unhappiness.  Perhaps it is better than what the alternative might have been.  Perhaps it did bring about one specific event, which, unfortunately, is a second source of possible regret.  It is possible that without the first choice, the second “choice” would never have been possible.  It is possible that even if I had discontinued the path of my first choice that my second “choice” would have had the same outcome.  I just hope that “upon reflection,” as O’Rourke states, though it may not help, I will, at least, get an answer, a relief, a way to redirect all that unhappiness into a silver lining or a half-full cup.

For now,  I WILL allow myself to regret that one sentence…so foolishly thrown out there, in my office of all places…hahaha.  I regret that sentence because it made all the rest of it so much harder.  And perhaps the rest of it…those two “big” things, will eventually move on to reveal the path I was meant for, the path that I seek, maybe not as great as another Stey, but something that will make these months/years acceptable.

Comments:

Me – 5/17/10: Watched Mystic River last night. Jimmy, the father of the girl who was murdered, reflected upon choices that change your life. He mused that if he had been the one who had gotten into the car of the pedophiles, he would never have had the courage years later to hook up with his beautiful first wife and then he never would have had his daughter and she, then, never would have been murdered.

I found it interesting since I had just written this entry. Not as dramatic as an example of the Butterfly Effect, but it is true that most of our choices add up to create our life…to make what our life turns out to be.

Me – 6/8/10: I don’t regret, but I am wondering what it would have been like if things had been different. Maybe my mom SHOULD have left my dad before they moved us down to this hellhole to be with him at his job here. Maybe I should have tried harder at French weekend to succeed. Maybe parents shouldn’t get married just because they get knocked up. As a result, I have fucked up two lives…maybe three. Epic Fail!

Best Friends – Originally posted on 5/18/10 (Musings)

I don’t remember how it came up in conversation with Stey, but I was telling her about the movie Cousins with Ted Danson and Isabella Rossellini.  It is one of my favorite romcoms of all time.  Ted is so incredibly sweet and engaging.  His character is open minded and thoughtful.  It is hard not to crush on him….the kind of guy who makes you laugh, but is also intelligent, fun and wants to enjoy life, but gives himself to you 100%.

Unfortunately, I forgot about part of the movie…I forgot that Isabella tells him that it sucks that they can no longer talk because he has become her best friend.  Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks.  So many parallels to my own past.  Although, I would find it hard to classify my friend as a best friend any longer since we rarely speak, but that is what I had hoped we would always be.  But, like in this movie, some things are just not possible.  Other relationships get in the way and change that friendship irrevocably.  It is not wrong or right, just an inevitability.  But, also very sad. 

Of course, we all have hopes and dreams for our future…whether we are very young or more mature…there is always something we are hoping for ourselves.  I think that is probably one thing that has always been there for me.  To love and be loved by my best friend.  At this point, marriage would not be necessary for me….seems impractical to need that certification of a relationship.  But to live with, travel with and love with the man that is my best friend…that is all I ever wanted. 

Foolishly, I have believed in two such best friends, only to be proved wrong.  Never thought I would allow myself such a luxury again, but this movie sure does reawaken that longing.  So, like you often hear in quotes, poetry, profound prose….one should be one’s own best friend.  That is the only person to whom you can be 100% honest, with whom you can completely rely and completely confide.  Have friends with whom you can share things and enjoy activities, appreciate common interests, but don’t give yourself to those people 100%, because you never know what they are thinking.  They are unlikely to be reciprocating 100%.  So, that is what I am trying to do.  I am trying to find other things to fulfill me.  I have great friends, especially Stey.  That will be enough…

Hormonal? – Originally posted on 5/19/10 (B&Ming)

GAWD! Please let that be the reason, cuz I haven’t felt this kinda pain since it happened…

They say that Tofu messes with a woman’s estrogen…maybe I will go eat some soy products today and see if that helps…hahaha.

At a Loss – Originally posted on 5/24/10 (B&Ming)

So much I want to say, but no words with which to do so.  Everything reminds me…

How does one turn it off?  I have no danze this week, so that hour of reprieve each day is gone. 

Finding myself relying on the weekend after next to pull me out of this funk.  Nervous as hell, but excited, too.  Hope that it will pull me out without just dropping me down in another way.  I don’t think it will, though.  I think that this recent drama has put an end to that old drama.  I think it will be just FUN!  Reluctant to think about it too much though since I have been disappointed in that area before. 

Biggest disappointment lately…lack of weight loss.  I know that I can blame myself entirely for that.  I have been exercising my ass off, but have not been denying myself food.  I have not been overeating or eating poorly, but the only way this fat ass is going to lose weight is to DENY, DENY, DENY!!!

Realization – Originally posted on 5/24/10 (Musings)

I knew that I was being too much of a whiner…

June 4th                        – Originally posted on 5/24/10 (HHJJ)

June 4th! 

June 4th!

June 4th! 

June 4th!

June 4th! 

June 4th!

June 4th! 

June 4th!

June 4th! 

June 4th!

Phew… – Originally posted on 5/25/10 (HHJJ)

I am so proud of myself…

No crying…

No wallowing…

No underhanded remarks…

I kept my thoughts to myself.  He was mine, too…sigh.  And he just doesn’t see it.

But, I feel good.  June 4th helps a lot =)

The Woman You Want to Be – Originally posted on 5/31/10 (Musings)

There is so much that each of us wants out of life.  I suppose that if you ask anyone, they would say “happiness.” Asking for one wish, happiness does seem to be that one thing that covers all bases.  Plus, most people want to sound less shallow than they actually are, so saying “happiness” lifts them up out of that shallow pool of materialism.  It is like hearing that a pageant contestant wants world peace.  Just one of those generic remarks that everyone considers to be the “right” answer.

So, what do I “really” want out of life?

1.  My daughter’s happiness.  Her misery is my biggest failure in life.  She was a vegetable all weekend and lied to her friend rather than go to a concert last night.  I hate that she did that.  I hate that she is so anti-social.  I feel so responsible.

2. To be the ONE for someone who is my ONE.  Sadly, my most recent foray into that world was such a disaster, I will never allow myself to “try” again.  I have resolved to sticking with my choice, which, let me tell you, has been the most difficult decision this past weekend.  After celebrating another year, I was left feeling ugly, fat and unhappy.  I know that I am also making him unhappy, so I have intention of laying blame anywhere…only everywhere.  But, if I had been brave 12+ years ago, my life would be completely different.  Maybe not better, maybe not worse.  But there is nothing I can do about it now except re-think my choice from here on out.

3. Calm, cool and collected.  I have been on the verge of losing it all weekend.  I feel so agitated…that any little thing is going to push me off the edge.  My face is hot.  My skin is itching.  My arms and legs are restless.  Too much bothers me.  I just want to be laid back and adaptable.

4.  Creative.  Creative women are admired.  While it is very nice to be admired, my goal is to have a talent that my ONE can be proud of.  To be good at writing, photography, art…something!?!  I just want to share myself with someone and sadly, I have failed there.  Facebook is my fill-in for that.  I can share my “accomplishments” and friends and family can express their pride, but is it real?  It feels like obligation on their part. I hate that I feel the need to seek acceptance in such a manner, but I am so lonely, I am afraid to stop.  It is funny that I think about stopping everyday…just delete the account.  Will anyone really care?  Unlikely.  But, am I thinking about deleting it because I would want the attention it would serve? 

5. To be funny…To me, the ultimate in humor is intellectual wit.  I want to be able to keep up with a ONE intellectually, to be clever and witty.  To be able to come up with funny things off the cuff.  This is one of the biggest things I miss.

6.  Follow through.  I start off with a bang and peter out to pathetic nothingness.  I accept that we all have to try new things to find the things we love.  But, I am following in my mother’s footsteps and it will just get worse. 

7.  Intellect.  I wish I had more drive to work on my intellect.  I take the lazy way out too often.  I have become stagnant.  I have hit a plateau and others have surpassed me by leaps and bounds.

8.  Financial Stability….maybe even financial independence.  I do NOT do all that I can to get myself to a place of stability or independence.  A lot of things can’t change if that is not addressed.

9.  Physical fitness.  My danze addiction is still not enough to MAKE me work my hardest at getting my 40 year old body into its best shape.  I get frustrated at the slow progress and then I sabotage myself. 

10. To be fun to be around…my biggest disappointment is losing the one person that I thought enjoyed being around me.  Obviously, I did something that made it stop being fun.  I wish I could be more fun…that people would want to invite me out to do things.  I always get rejected when I invite.  And I rarely get invited…actually, I never get invited, so that tells me a lot.  Would love to have a social life.

So, there you have it.  Ten things beyond “happiness” that I would wish for.  And now that I have verbalized them, maybe I will consciously work on those things myself since I am obviously not going to meet a genie anytime soon.  Some of them are unavoidable…unchangeable.  But, my making some changes, maybe other things will improve.

Comments:

X – 5/31/10: If you left FB, I would notice…

All I can tell you is seek all of this FOR YOURSELF. When you try to be funny, smart, stable, fun, dot, dot, dot, etc, etc, for someone else it doesn’t work. Because that someone else may not have the expectations you have on yourself and it is a breeding ground for disapointment. Just ask me. I should know.

Me – 6/2/10: Hahaha…I know you would notice…a lot of people would notice, and that is part of what stops me from doing it. I don’t want the attention that it would create.

And I definitely want these things for myself. There is no one else to want them for.

Me – 6/2/10: Sheesh…I have met a woman, a very young woman (23?) who has so many of these qualities that I admire; indefatigable in her drive to better herself; unrelenting in her drive to meet her goals; absolute resolve in doing the best and being the best person she can be…and for herself…for no one else. I am full of admiration and discomfort at watching her accomplishments. She is half my age and has her head on straight. I am HUMBLED…

Point of No Return – Originally posted 6/2/10 (Musings)

June 4th

Grief – Originally posted on 6/3/10 (Musings)

I know that not everyone fits into a perfect little mold, particularly when it comes to theoretical psychology.  But the 5 stages of grief are pretty much accepted around the world…and for many years.  So, am I the exception to the rule?  I certainly did not go through grief in the “given” order….denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  Obviously, everyone goes through them at their own rate, but is it also possible to go in a different order?

Bargaining – I promised, begged, pleaded and acted the fool.  That went on for a few days.  Boy, was I determined to “fix” it.

Depression/Denial – This was a cyclic problem for me because the more depressed I became, the more I denied to myself that it was happening and the more I kept telling myself that it wasn’t happening, the more upset I became.

Acceptance – Acceptance wasn’t actually too hard.  Certain conditions made it impossible not to accept it.  And while I didn’t “like” it, per se, I knew that I could allow myself to make certain sacrifices.

Anger – this is just starting to come now.  It seems rather strange to feel anger about the situation now after so much time, I am finding myself irritated about it more and more. 

Geez!  I am such a weirdo 😉

If Anyone Ever Kidnaps Me and Must Subsequently Torture Me…  – Originally posted 6/3/10 (Musings)

I have realized that aside from being restrained (which is my biggest fear…yes, I know, I am a complete control freak), FOOD would be the most effective form of torture against me.  I was listening to the radio on the way to work and one of the dj’s was discussing pastries that had been brought to them…

PASTRIES!?!?!?!

I immediately began craving donuts and cream cheese filled turnovers and apple pie tarts and sugar, sugar, sugar! 

And as I am fantasizing about the flaky crusts and the way the sticky sugar sticks to your lips and fingers for later enjoyment, I glance over and see a girl eating a burrito while working on her computer in front of the building.

BURRITOS!?!?!?!

Then, my mind switches to cheesy, spicy, stuffed burritos filled with all my favorites…despite the fact that the last time I ate a burrito, I had heartburn for two days.

I guess it is a damn good thing that I am not a spy or hold any state secrets…

Stupid Girl – Originally posted 6/5/10 (B&Ming)

Gawd…I am such a fucking idiot.  I cannot let myself get sucked in again…..

I CANNOT!!!!!

Comments:

Me – 6/6/10: Screw it! I WANT to =)

All The Small Things… – Originally posted 6/6/10 (Writings)

Reese’s peanut butter cups; cool, clean linens; a real book with pages and a binding; a good joke; deep, wet, passionate kisses; CHEESE; rocking a happy baby; good hair days; texting a friend; surprise phone calls from old friends; compliments from unexpected places; writing the perfect…; fresh, warm bread; vanilla; iPod; nerdy geek boys with a great sense of humor; sleep; long walks; the sound, smell and feel of the rain; a nice men’s cologne; Calvin & Hobbes; a fresh breeze whispering through the trees; soft, romantic back rubs; candlelight; the sound of one’s child laughing; digging ones toes in the cool sand; the feel of the waves rolling in; roasting the perfect marshmallow; being right; board games; Thanksgiving dinner; passing out Halloween candy; SNOOPY; logic puzzles; a romantic picnic; singing at girl scout camp; holding hands; sharp pencils; warm towels; dancing; a special look; smiles; the sound of the beach; fireflies; daisies; the color green; winning; finding the perfect gift for someone; floating; flirting; the buzz of a half glass of wine; chile con queso from El Sombrero Patio Cafe; reminiscing with an old friend; cuddling; laying back in the grass, watching the stars; pillows; blogging; great lyrics; Facebook; pride in one’s siblings; making your mom so happy that she cries; clever comebacks that make one laugh; coloring; a cat’s purr; a happy dog; diet coke with 6 ice cubes in one’s favorite glass; finding money unexpectedly; warm kettle korn; Sonic Drive-In; turning the radio on just as one’s favorite song begins; children; pellet ice; Shamu; roller coasters; Dave Grohl and Gwen Stefani; flash mobs; random acts of kindness; paying it forward; a lower number on the scale; the smell of old books; the perfect recipe; air conditioning; pad si ew HOT; reaching a goal; seeing the cut of one’s muscles after all the hard work; long showers; freckles; meeting a new friend; reconnecting with an old friend; shade; Christmas music; and the good sense to appreciate all the small things that bring joy to one’s life, even when big things are overshadowing them.

If This Week Were a Vegetable – Originally posted 6/11/10 (Musings)

Someone posted that as their status…

Their comparison was Lima Beans.  Of course, that is nasty which is what she was going for.  I thought that was pretty clever.  So, if my week was a vegetable….

Well, it was full of highs and lows.  But at the end of the week, to sum it up, I wouldn’t put it as bad as a lima bean or brussel sprout.  I will say “Tomato”.  Sometimes they are good, sometimes not.  Texture isn’t great.  Flavor is okay.  Good when added to other things.  Not great on its own.  Yeah…my week was a tomato. 

How about some other analogies…

Flower – Marigold, pretty to look at but kinda stinky

Car – Scion, kinda ugly, but comfortable to ride in

Color – Brown…the color of shit, but also necessary for beautiful trees

Animal – Hyena, okay to look at; sound kinda funny; but watch your back cuz it will tear you to pieces

Beverage – Lemonade, refreshing if made right, but leave out a little sugar and blech!

Fruit – Strawberries, delishous when ripe, but those damn seeds get caught in your teeth

Song – Filter’s Take a Picture, great sound, seems like it would have great lyrics, but WTF are they talking about.

Movie – Dances With Wolves, critically acclaimed, beautiful scenery and the most ass-numbingly bore of a movie on the planet.

=)

Setting Myself Up For Failure – Originally posted 6/13/10 (Musings)

Now JA is also getting danze certified.  And I am starting to question whether I should do it anymore.  Maybe I am just questioning it because I am trying to find an excuse to fail.  Maybe I just want it handed to me on a silver platter.  If I really want it that bad, I will make it happen, right?  I will hustle and find a place to teach.  If I fail before trying, then I don’t have to worry about failing because I am not good enough.  Probably the same reason I haven’t called Debbie about Univ Dance.  I definitely need to work on my follow through.  But I am not sure how to motivate myself to do so.

Comments:

Me – 6/17/10: …and Vet and Van…sigh

Clueless – Originally posted  6/14/10 (B&Ming)

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! 

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Some people are so utterly clueless…or maybe just in denial to satisfy their own peace of mind.  Time to revisit my other blog.  Definitely a weekend to think hard about just being the crazy cat lady on her own in some anonymous city.  People Suck!

Time to pull the books back out and bury my happiness and joy in the pages of other people’s imaginations.  Time to get the sewing machine going and forget about all that I am missing because of the choices of others.  Even if I can’t have what I want, I cannot allow myself to settle for something to just make someone else happy and hope that it will be a salve to my own misfortunes.  It didn’t work last time and now I don’t know how to extricate myself.  I can’t get wrapped up in another and end up with the same problem in a few years.

ARGH!!!!!

Competing to be the Worst? – Originally posted 6/16/10 (Musings)

I just realized something. It seems to be the “in” thing…well, maybe “in” is not the right word. It seems to be the virtuous thing to do…the honorable thing to do, to be the person who is the most down on themselves. That is the only explanation I can give for the tendency of people to claim to be the worst, the fattest, the lamest, the most foolish, the dumbest, etc. of everyone they know. 

What is the deal with that?  I will admit that I am guilty of doing it myself.  I can honestly say that I believe that I am those things.  But why is that?  It used to be a “sin” to be overly confident.  It makes one stuck up or annoying to others.  But I am finding that it is also annoying to others to hear people argue about being the worst at something.  Do the annoyed people think those “losers” are fishing for compliments?  Do they not have the energy to expend to try to bolster up the “losers” out of some sense of fixing things?  Are we “losers” trying to demonstrate how humble we are? 

I think it might just be best to stop talking about oneself entirely, so as not to annoy anyone…hahaha.

Comments:

X – 6/18/10: If you and I had an “I’m-the-Worst” Contest, I WOULD WIN!

That’s something I say occasionally, but now I know how annoying it may sound!!! I’m probably guilty of this too because at times people tell me not to be so down on myself. Still, I don’t understand that response since the only thing I’m saying is the reality of things.

And in that truth I also know my many many qualities, fully accepting them. (Oh so so many!)

Like the ability to win an “I’m-the-Worst” Contest. w00t, w00t!!!

Me – 6/18/10: No way…I am definitely the worse

Actually, something you said resonated with me…

“And in that truth I also know my many many qualities…”

I think that is the problem for me. I know how I am beyond what people see. So, when I…we…see something wrong with ourselves, I see it to the deepest core of my being…from all aspects. So, there is no one better than ourselves to know our faults. =(

X – 6/18/10: I can say I’m fat, that’s the truth… but my eyes are still amazing…

I can say I have no love in my life… but I know I am still lovable.

I am not as intelligent as I wish I were (like you and BM)… and yet, I still accept myself.

I have learned that, even if there is something wrong with me, it doesn’t burn me to the core; nor is it all encompassing. There are so many layers to an individual so there has to be a balance. If not, you will drive yourself batty.

And who wants to live like that?

Me – 6/18/10: Well, sure. I am not saying that I don’t see the good in me, too. Or that others who say they are the “worst” at something don’t see the good in themselves.

What a Load! – Originally posted 6/17/10 (B&Ming)

Hahaha…I am still doing it.  My first thought when reading lovely sentiments like that below is “Yeah, Right!”  I have mentioned this before.  Usually has to do with my sense that this kind of bullshit love…well, the reciprocated kind, at any rate…doesn’t exist.  But it does.  I have seen the evidence.  Just gotta remind myself, AGAIN, that just because it happens for some people…even very few people, doesn’t mean that it is meant for me.  It won’t stop me from pining.  It won’t stop me from wallowing.  It won’t stop me from watching my fave chick flicks and sighing at those particular parts when my heart remembers and aches with loss.

So, here I am again, blog…whining about something I have no control over.   Forcing myself to be happy for those that this comes to.  And hoping that the small joys that I find in my life will keep me from downing a bottle of pills or become so crazy emo cutter.

“Even paradise isn’t half as nice as anywhere else with you.”  As my wife and I have searched for the right house for us over the past few months – with mixed results – I have steadily maintained that I will be happy wherever she is.

Now that we have found and closed on our new home (pictured left), I still feel that way.  This house does not have everything we had on our wish list.  There is no extra lot for the kids to play on.  There is no spacious and glorious master bath.  There are issues that need to be repaired.  And yet, all I can think of right now is that moment, in the car, after having just seen the inside of the house for the first time, when I could feel my wife staring at me from the passenger seat.

I remember saying, “Speak to me”, and watching her eyes dance as she said, “This is a happy place.”  That’s all I needed to hear.  Now, I’d be lying if I said we had made up our minds right then and there to buy this house.  In fact, we left there and went on to several others, as we had multiple viewings that day.  However, I don’t think I will ever forget her words that day.  I can’t wait for our lives to unfold in these rooms; to watch our children grow; to cook and share meals; to undertake home improvement projects together; to watch the dog chase the cat; hearing the kids laugh and fight.  There will undoubtedly be not only laughter, but tears as well – all part of life.

At the end of the day, it’s a building.  The walls can’t and won’t ever speak.  The previous owners were most likely equally optimistic when they bought the home, and who knows if their fortunes turned out as planned.  The fact of the matter is that my family – my wife, my kids, even my pets – my family IS my happy place.  Wherever they are, that is where I want to be.

Although we have yet to actually move in, I already know that my wife was right when she said, “This is a happy place.”  For us, it will be because we will all be there together, loving and leaning on each other for each precious day the Good Lord gives us.

Comments:

X – 6/18/10: Who the hell are these people?

And who the hell type of people does this “love” thing happen to?

Makes for a good story.

But it doesn’t exist.

Me – 6/18/10: It does exist…it is just rarely reciprocated. I have felt that way about someone…still do. He just didn’t feel the same about me. =(

Change – Originally posted 6/19/10 (B&Ming)

They say it is a good thing, but they’re wrong – Sheldon Cooper

It is incredible how much a single day can change your life and how some things stay the same.

I am really missing my friend right now. Losing Foo was devastating, but losing a friend, too, has been equally heartwrenching. I have finally gotten the hint. Won’t be texting. It is obvious that friend has moved on in every way imaginable. Don’t want to be bugging or annoying them anymore. Been hard, but at least I don’t get the pity replies. Thank goodness for Stey or this weekend would have been spent in one bottle or another. Too bad RJ thinks PJ wouldn’t wanna hang out. It would be fun to have another friend to hang with. At least I am doing good with food.

Yay, me!

Comments:

Me – 6/23/10: Had some wonderful friend time the last couple of days. Feel much better about everything. =)

From the Land of the Unexpected – Originally posted 6/23/10 (Musings)

I wondered about it, but never expected it. Not sure if I am glad or just pleasantly surprised. Had a crappy core rhythms class, but danze was outstanding and this unexpected event made the day pretty good overall. Hope it helps me sleep.

Eeeeek! – Originally posted 7/7/10 (B&Ming)

‘Bout to have a crashing meltdown!

Dual-emma – Originally posted 7/10/10 (Musings)

I read an interesting article in the O mag a week or so ago while I was twiddling my thumbs waiting on some peeps.  The article was describing the dualism that can occur in people or situations…two sides that may seem contraindicated or contradictory.  One example they gave was a girl who met this guy who was sweet, thoughtful and generous, but who also started talking about sex five minutes into their first date and his ex.  She was confused as to which side of him was the “real” him.  Her friend pointed out that maybe he was both.  Maybe he really did like her and was a good guy, but who also was highly sexed and having trouble moving on from his last relationship.  Why couldn’t he be both?

You certainly see this in people all the time…and this article was a reminder to me that people aren’t always so black and white…so easily fit into a mold…especially if that mold is created around one’s own expectations.  Unfortunately…unfairly…expectations are created, not always around that other individual, but around our own inner wishes, goals, dreams, desires or perhaps expectations of ourselves.  We may not know someone well enough to expect him/her to be better than they are, but we want something special and we are hoping that this person we just met will fit into some ideals we have built up in our head. 

In our own minds, it may seem contradictory that a guy can be sweet, thoughtful and ideal in so many ways, but still want to get in our pants on the first date.  But that is those expectations at play….expecting that he will be Mister Right, even though we may know virtually nothing about him, save what got us to go out with him in the first place. 

And this is true for everything…people, events, places, activities.  There is nothing that brings me greater joy (except of course my daughter) than dance…watching, doing, etc.  However, it also brings me great pain.  I started too late in life to be the dancer I want to be.  I will work my hardest to be the best dancer that I CAN be.  But, my body was not conditioned at a young, still-growing stage to be the dancer I would WANT to be.

So, does this go back to the Glass Half Empty vs. Half Full philosophy…aka the Silver Lining philosophy?  Do we learn to look for only the good, the happy, the preferred?  Do we learn to “live with” the down side of these things/situations?  Do we accept the good with the bad?  Or do we keep striving for the 100% perfect-for-me situation/place/love/event?

Comments:

X – 7/11/10: I believe its a combination of both. Because at either end of the spectrum, you would only find desperate frustration.

Wants vs. Needs – Originally posted 7/12/10 (Musings)

It is interesting that most people go through this yo-yo practice of doing what one wants or doing what one needs to do.  As children and adolescents, we are driven primarily by our desires.  Fortunately, or in some cases, unfortunately, those desires are tempered by what the adults in our lives expect out of us.  Once in our mid to late teens, most kids rebel against those expectations in varying degrees.  Often, this rebellion can take a self-destructive course, but in some cases, it may actually be the better path for that individual.  Best of example of that latter would be those who enter the music world and become successful at it.  While you may have stage parents who push children into performing (acting, dance), you don’t often hear of stage parents pushing their daughters into being rock stars (e.g. Courtney Love spent most of her life passed around to relatives and living in the Foster Care system; Avril Lavigne dropped out of HS).  But their own intense desires and drive made them sucessful, despite the lack of “support” in their lives.  Is this the exception to the rule?

Most of parents feel fully justified in encouraging our children to serve the NEEDS in their lives rather than the WANTS.  “You want to be a broadway star? Well, it is incredibly unlikely that you will be successful at it since the competition is so fierce. Why don’t you go to business school instead?” We want our kids to have security. 

So, by the time we go to college and start our family, most of us are conditioned to work towards that security…choosing a major based on what will give us the “right” kind of job. 

Now, at 40, like many others, I am struggling against that conditioning.  I have always wanted to write…have written some essays and poetry over the years and outlined a book.  I have always wanted to be a dancer…have taken classes for 10+ years and now getting certified for danze.  But, can I be brave enough to throw that conditioning at the door and say SCREW IT!  I can’t give up the security of my job to dance or write.  But I can still study it and ENJOY IT!

Many call it a mid-life crisis.  Some people have affairs.  Some people buy fast cars or makeover their bodies or wardrobes.  Some people go back to school.  I think we are just realizing that it isn’t so bad to do what we WANT rather than what we NEED to do.  Maybe we feel dissatisfied.  Maybe doing the right thing didn’t get us where we should have gotten based on doing that right thing.  I never had more children.  I never bought a house.  What good did it do me to try to do the right thing?  Not a damn bit.  So, maybe my joy is found elsewhere…not in the conditioned expectations of a conservative society.  Maybe I will be a 40+ year old dancer. 

Is that so bad?

“Good” and “Bad” Girls – Originally posted 7/19/10 (Musings)

“Women and men are not equal because a woman should always be regarded with HIGHER value than a man. This gives a man a chance to grow and make himself worthy of the woman. Never forget this my girls. Unfortunately the women of today tend to start behaving more and more like men, and are willingly descending down to the level of men.”

I read this on someone else’s blog.  Apparently, her grandfather told her this.  It resonated with me…partly because of my pseudo-feminist views on certain things such as a woman’s ability to be anything a man can be.  And partly because of my disappointment in the woman that I have recently created.  Saying that I have “descended” to the level of a man seems to be unfairly treating men, particularly the “special” ones in my life.  But in this definition, I guess it is a good example of what I have become.

Eat. Pray. Love. – Originally posted 7/19/10 (Musings)

Just started reading this book.  I realize now, literally this instant when I typed in the title, that I must be looking for something…solace? understanding? sense of not being alone?…when I purchased this book.  I had considered the book in the past and never could get past the “religious” component.  Not being religious, or even spiritual, I never felt the need to read the book.  But being that I am in a particular place in my life, perhaps it is needed now more than ever. 

I don’t mean to say that I need guidance in spirituality, because, still, I am not interested in that, but having read the first 60 pages, I do feel that the author has so much in common with me that perhaps I can find a sense of direction for myself….a direction towards healing.   While it is not a self-help book in any strict definition, it is a non-fiction account of a woman’s journey with, I believe, an intention to share herself for her own good, but also for the good of others, and so in that way, it really can be considered a self-help book.  And I do NOT read self-help books.  But I am completely engaged by this author’s style, by her story, by her grief and by her journey, thus far. 

I have dug myself deeper into a hole since February that I assume I began digging to try to find relief from the grief of loss that was more profound to me than any other loss save the miscarriage I had in 2007.  I keep digging deeper and deeper and trying to find ways to extract myself, but not committing to any of them.  I am not sure why because I am only finding momentary relief from that grief.  And I am creating a person I don’t like and don’t respect.  But to extract myself from that ditch would create new ways to be disappointed in myself. 

In the first section of the book, it is evident that the author is trying find herself…come to terms with herself…appreciate herself.  And I, cannot even glimpse the ability to do so.  When you want something, you imagine what it would be like to have it…wealth, beauty, achieved goals, etc…I can daydream about those things, but I can in no way visualize myself as a contented person, completely accepting of herself. 

I will start posting passages that speak to me so that I can return to them and I hope that it is the “magic pill” that I need to heal and to become the person I want to be.

External Locus of Identity – Originally posted 7/20/10 (HHJJ)

Yeah, that’s what I got….and you know what…

SO WHAT!?!

I have been really, really down lately.  People are even noticing it in texts.  I have no clue how since I don’t think I am writing anything different, but my depression is worse  than ever.  Maybe not the emotional, fall into tears at any moment kind…though tears have been a more frequent visitor than usual lately…but, I am in this strange funk of mental lethargy and lack of contentment.

I was brought up briefly when I read the review of the seminar I gave last week in San Antonio:

Sousaphone: Lulu Pepe did a wonderful job giving a safety seminar for 4 hours! At the 55th Symposium of the AGS. Member comments included, “it was thoughtful and still light and humorous…” “two thumbs up!” “valuable, covered areas & topics my employer cares about” “Instructor (Lulu Pepe) …kept it practical and engaged everyone in discussion” As Seminar Chair for the AGS I want to thank Lulu and let NOSE know she did you proud. 

That was a very nice follow up to an incredibly stressful few days when I didn’t even know if I was going to make it and I still had the babies at the house.  But, my pathological need for approval was satisfied by this unexpected note which was posted on the NOSE FaceBook page for all to see. 

Unfortunately, this same pathological need is ravenous.  It was not satiated by this blurb.  Soon, I was down again and not even an hour of danze helped…even with Stey there AND the dance teachers who I have been trying to “impress.”  What did help?  Ryg allowed me to lead one of the songs in the 2nd danze class and I KILLED it!  He had told me to smile more…I did.  He told me not to fuck it up…I didn’t.  I was AWESOME!  I don’t think I even looked all that bad in the mirrors (hahahah…the room was darkened).  I LOVED leading it.  I loved that the participants enjoyed it.  And afterwards, when the other “danze Mami’s” told me how awesome I did, I was so happy that it lasted through the night and until I slept. 

So, yes, perhaps  I am trying to find some kind of inner peace and self-satisfaction.  It does suck to have this compulsive need to seek approval externally, but when it works…what a joy.  And, I will continue on my journey towards “fixing” my pathology, but for now…

<standing>

My name is Lulu Pepe and I have an external locus of identity…

Bipolar II Disorder – Originally posted 7/22/10 (B&Ming)

Yeah, that’s right…2…as in TWO…as in “dos” or “deux” or “zwei”.

Even my psych friend has not heard of bipolar II disorder.  So, what the heck makes it “2” and not just run of the mill bipolar disorder?  Bipolar disorder is indicated by manic episodes in addition to the depressive episodes. I don’t have manic episodes and it was explained to me that this is what defines bipolar II disorder…lack of mania.  But as my friend asks, why isn’t that just plain ol’ depression? 

What is plain ol’ depression?

  • Persistent sadness, anxiety or feelings of emptiness (CHECK)
  • Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and/or pessimism.  (CHECK)
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt (CHECK)
  • Contemplating suicide or suicide attempt (CHECK)
  • Problems concentrating, remembering details and making decisions (CHECK)
  • Fatigue and loss of energy (CHECK)
  • Persistent aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment (NO CHECK, THANK GOODNESS)
  • Irritability or restlessness (CHECK)
  • Insomnia, waking early, or excessive sleeping (HUGE CHECK)
  • Overeating, or appetite loss (AGAIN, NO CHECK, THANK GOODNESS)
  • Loss of interest in activities that once were pleasurable (e.g., hobbies, sex, social activities, etc.)  (ANOTHER CHECK)

But, bipolar II disorder is more than depression.  It is characterized by major depressive episodes which can be longer lasting.  Unfortunately, these episodes are disabling.  They affect family, work/school, eating, sleeping, relationships and general health.  It may also include hypomanic episodes.  Hypomania is not as severe as mania.  It can be described as a “period of successful high productivity.”  I will have to think on that a bit to determine if I really do experience those.  I am usually in high productivity mode..part of that need for acceptance. So, it is hard to clarify that in my life.

So, does it help me to know this?  I have been on and off depressed since February.  But these last couple of weeks…this is definitely one of those major depressive episodes.  People have even noticed it just in texting.  I have no idea how…but it has been, literally, the worst depression that I have had that I can remember in my life.  I have had bad times…I have cut myself, I have swallowed a bottle of pills, but those moments don’t compare to these past few weeks.  I know why, now.  I know there are a lot of “environmental” pressures that are pushing me towards it, but I can label the problem.  It is a major depressive episode from the bipolar II disorder for which I was diagnosed.  And it does help to know that it is not something that is being done to me.  It is something that I am.  Obviously, it will pass, because that is the definition of “episode.”

I know that medication will help because it always has in the past, but the time and money to get on medication…and just the energy to expend to get it done, creates this inability in me to commit to getting back on my medication.  I know that some would say that not doing it is indicative of me “wanting” to be this way for some reason.  Consciously…not possible.  But is my subconscious keeping me here?  Is it an escape?  Is it my way of having an excuse?  I just don’t know what to do. 

It is screwing with my life now.  I am a mess and it is a conscious effort not to do myself harm (for fear of hurting others and making others know my situation).  I am making others unhappy which just makes me feel worse.  Last night, I was so overwhelmed with tears and grief that I almost begged a friend to go over and cry it out.  Thankfully, he was busy, so I was spared that embarrassment.  But something needs to be done.  With all these outside pressures, it is becoming too overwhelming.  I can’t even have an open container around myself…I am so exhausted, overwhelmed and down that I can’t even not spill.  I have spilled and broken glasses.  I am making mistakes at work.  It is just screwing with my life too much.

My trip to NK is a HUGE mistake.  I don’t know how to extricate myself from it.  I just know that when I get back…I gotta do something.

Sleepy = Bitchy or Sadness – Originally posted 7/27/10 (B&Ming)

Just talking to my roommate about the effects of being sleepy. 

She says she becomes very introverted when sleepy.

I tell her that most people think I am being bitchy. 

But, I think I am just being sad. 

Hard not to feel lonely here.  There are a lot of acquaintances to spend time with, but there are so many cliques. 

I really just want to cuddle =(

How Did I Get Here and Where Am I Going? – Originally posted 8/3/10 (Writings)

Lamentable past

Confounding

Discombobulation

Unrelenting pain

Persistent

Implacable

Grim future

Inexorable

Unappeasable

Managing thoughts

Grapple

Contend

Moving on

Inconceivable

Unattainable

Be Prepared – Originally posted 8/4/10 (B&Ming)

I know that no one would say that it is a bad thing to be prepared, but people sure give you shit when you try to get organized.  I had some twenty year old brat tell me tonight to “shut up” because I “worry too much” and she was already stressed out.  I was just trying to make a plan for the class we just found out we had to co-teach and I just wanted to know how everyone wanted to proceed.  It is making me rethink everything…even danze…the one thing that brings me such joy.  It is now a source of unhappiness like everything else in my life.  Everything I do is just another source of potential criticism and insecurity.

So, I will be prepared…that is, I will become prepared.  There is a line that I am not willing to cross to end my problems because I won’t bring that kind of pain to my daughter and mother.  But, I will make a plan.  It is time to start saying no.  It is time to start pulling out of things so that I can make this transition away from people.  Because, the only alternative is to hole up somewhere anonymously and live my life as such until I die.  I cannot stand people.  I cannot stand being alone with no choice anymore.  I cannot stand not having friends.  I cannot stand losing Foo.  I cannot stand being put down and criticized.  I cannot stand feeling like a loser all the time.  I cannot stand always trying to do the right thing and being made to feel foolish, stupid, naive or wrong.  I cannot stand trying to be a good person in all situations to have it thrown back in my face.  I cannot stand being good and seeing others get everything.  I cannot stand crying every night and wanting to cut myself, swallow a bottle of pills or get wasted.  I cannot stand my lack of motivation to finish losing weight and I cannot stand being told by people that I don’t need to lose anymore weight when that is obviously not so.  I just want to get my life together, make sure Stey is on track and get the hell outta dodge. 

The first step in a plan that is to be a success is to share with others…get it documented…it makes you accountable.  So, my first step to getting prepared is to set a date.   Therefore, by July 31, 2013, I will get myself organized, pulled out of everything I currently do, clear up my financial obligations, make sure Stey is set and be I have some career options.  Three years…three years to pull my “Grizzle Adam” and find some anonymous city to live in and move on.  Obviously, I will still have this emotional baggage, but at least I will be away from all of these things that make me feel miserable.  I can just find a way to let myself become numb and avoid people.

That is my plan…

Comments:

Me – 8/5/10: TOP – I will lose my last ten pounds by December 16th at which point, I will graduate. Graduation will be March 26th. If I end up being state queen, I will stay through IRD (July 2011). If not, I will quit April 1st.

Dance – I am not ready to make a plan for that yet. It hurts too much to think about leaving it.

GS – as soon as Stey gets her Award project, I will turn over the troop to the little ones.

NOSE – I will get my certification. I will give bosses the information for MOY. I will fulfill my host duties for 2012 and then I will quit. I will pull my name out of the running for 2014 host in Portland, ME.

Me – 8/10/10: I can’t wait three years. It has got to be sooner…soon. It is not fair to any of us. I have these romanticized ideas of what it will be like. I think that I am not really interested in going as anonymous as I first thought. I do want Stey with me. I see my “friend” Celia start her new life in a great apartment with an awesome outlook on things. I know that I am not her…I am not any of my friends who have moved on in various forms. My current situation is unlike anyone I know. But, they say you have to learn from others. So, I have to use that knowledge to make choices of my own and direct my path. I just know that it HAS to be soon.

Revision – make some baby steps towards the same end result so that it isn’t all happening at once.

Excerpt #1- Eat. Love. Pray. (Elizabeth Gilbert) – Originally posted 8/4/10 (Writings)

“…listen to me.  Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving.  You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible placce in the world for it – in a eautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace.  Take this time, every minute of it.  Let things work themselves out here in India.”

“But I really loved him.”

” Big deal.  So you fell in love with someone.  Don’t you see what happened?  This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you though you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning.  You just got a taste of love.  That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love.  Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love that that.  Heck, Groceries [nickname of author] – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world.  It’s your destiny.  Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I thing the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I sseriously believed that David was my soul mate.”

“He probably was.  Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means.  People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants.  But a true soul mate is a mirro, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.  A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever?  Nah.  Too painful.  Soul nates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.  And thank God for it.  Your problem is, you just can’t this one go.  It’s over, Groceries.  David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.  That was his job, and did great, but now it’s over.  Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life.  You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it.  And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable.  So drop it.”

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him.  Send him some love and light every tme you think about him, and then drop it.  You’re just afraid to le of the last bits of David because then you’ll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone,  But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries.  If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum in there, an open spot – a doorway.  And guess what the universe will do with that doorway?  It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed.  So stop using David to block that door.  Let it go.”

“But I wish me and David could – ”

He cuts me off.  “See, now that’s your problem.  You’re wishin’ too much, baby.  you gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”

This line gives me the first laugh of the day.

Then I ask Richard, “So how long will it be before all this grieving passes?”

“You want an exact date?”

“Yes.”

“Somethin’ you can cirle on your calendar?”

“Yes.”

“Lemme tell you something, Groceries – you got some serious control issues.”

My rage at this statement consumes me like fire.  Control issues?  ME?  I actually consider slapping Richard for this insult.  And then, from right down inside the intensity of my offended outrage comes the truth.  The immediate, obvious, laughable truth.

He’s totally right.

The fire passes out of me, fast as it came.

“You’re totally right,” I say.

“I know I’m right, baby.  Listen, you’re a powerful woman and you’re used to getting what you want out of life, and you didn’t get what you wanted in your last few relationships and it’s got you all jammed up.  Your husband didn’t behave the way you wanted him to and David didn’t either.  Life didn’t go your way for once.  And nothing pisses off a control freak more than life not goin’ her way.”

“Don’t call me a control freak, please.”

“You have got control issues, Groceries.  Come on.  Nobody ever told you this before?”

(Well…yeah.  But the thing about divorcing someone is that you kind of stop listening to all the mean stuff they say about you after a while.)

So I buck up and admit it.  “OK, I think you’re probably right.  Maybe I do have a problem with control.  It’s just weird that you noticed.  Because I don’t think it’s that obvious on the surface.  I mean – I bet most people can’t see my control isses when they first look at me.”

Richard from Texas laughs so hard he almost loses his toothpick.

“They can’t? Honey – Ray Charles could see your control issues!”

“OK, I think I’m done with this conversation now, thank you.”

“You gotta learn how to let go, Groceries.  Otherwise you’re gonna make yourself sick.  Never gonna have a good night’s sleep again.  You’ll just toss and turn forever, beatin’ on yourself for being such a fiasco in life.  What’s wrong with me? How come I screw up all my relationships? Why am I such a failure?  Lemme guess – that’s probably what you were up at all hours doin’ to yourself again last night.”

“All right, Richard, that’s enough,” I say.  “I don’t want you walking around inside my head anymore.”

“Shut the door, then,” say my big Texas Yogi.

The Mind is a Terrible Thing – Originally posted 8/6/10 (Musings)

According to the  Bhagavad Gita, ancient Indian Yoga text, the mind is “restless, turbulent, strong and unyielding.”  It is said to be as difficult to subdue as is the wind.

In Eat.Pray.Love, Liz Gilbert describes her trouble with meditation:  “When I ask my mind to rest in stillness, it is astonishing how quickly it will turn (1) bored, (2) angry, (3) depressed, (4) anxious or (5) all of the above.”  She explains how the use of a mantra serves a dual function, one of which is that “it gives the mind something to do.  It’s as if you’ve given the monkey a pile of 10,000 buttons and said, ‘Move these buttons, one at a time, into a new pile.’  This is a considerably easier task for the monkey than if you just plopped him in a corner and asked him not to move.”

I most definitely agree that the mind is a wild, untameable beast.  I was awaken from a very short nap this afternoon..stupid cramps, lack of sleep and going non-stop all week at work and home had me beat.  I tried very hard to stay as mellow as possible when my boss called so that I could fall back asleep, but of course, I got agitated and by the time I hung up, my mind was going a million different directions.

I can only assume that is why I haven’t slept properly since February.  I don’t really recall my mind’s musings in the middle of the night when I wake over and over.  I don’t feel like I am thinking of anything in particular when I am sitting up until midnight or later trying to get ready for sleep.  I don’t feel like anything special wakes me at 5 or 6 in the morning when I am just lying in bed watching the ceiling, waiting for the alarm to sound.

I often use the button trick to avoid thinking of anything else.  I certainly can’t just sit and do one thing…I can’t even watch TV without occupying my hands/mind in some other activity.  I would be a total fail at meditation.  I don’t think I could even commit to a mantra.  My buttons are things like reading, writing, choreographing, cleaning, etc.

I wish that we could power down the mind at night.  I suppose it is probably a good thing that we don’t.  I understand that creative people actually “use” that time for inspiration.  But, I am not a very creative person.  Couldn’t we choose to at least try to turn it off at night and see if it works better for us?  Alcohol and Benadryl don’t help…hahahaha.

Funny Coincidence – Originally posted 8/8/10 (Writings)

http://agatha82.wordpress.com/2010/08/06/whatever-happened-to-two-way-conversations/

Comments:

Me: 8/9/10 – Really funny that my friends and I were just having a conversation about this…on Facebook, no less. The conversation led to being the topic of my Random Sunday Poll which I send out every Sunday, via text message (to about 40 people with about 30% response, generally, depending on the topic). Poll question asked: Do you prefer talking on the phone or texting/emailing? I got about 5 who said “depends,” about 5 who said “texting” and 8-10 who said “talking.” I thought more would say “texting/emailing” and one friend thought all the guys would say that, too. Surprisingly, one guy said “depends” and all the rest said “talking.”

Agatha: 8/9/10 – Oh the irony that it was on Facebook. I suppose texting does have its uses but nothing beats talking

Unworthy – Originally posted 8/9/10 (Musings)

Wow, the biggest eye-opener of all.  I really am…

So, is it so bad?  It takes all kinds, right?  There has to be good and bad in the world and everything in between.  It is the law of nature/physics to need balance.  I must exist so that the worthy may exist.

So, I am unworthy…takes the pressure off, right? 

Now, what am I going to do with that knowledge…???

Hmmm…strangely, I feel comfortable with it.  Maybe even peaceful…

Comments:

X: 8/9/10 – We are all unworthy in many different remarkable ways. That’s what makes us interesting. I wholeheartedly enjoy my unworthiness… it too brings me peace

Status Quo – Originally posted 8/12/10 (Musings)

Back to “normal” in one particular area…hate it.  But what can I do?

Sometimes the status quo sucks.

What do you call it when you want it to go back to the ‘old’ status quo? Hahahaha…

Whining Allowed – Originally posted 8/16/10 (B&Ming)

I try very hard not to whine…which generally means I don’t share because I don’t want people to think I am whining…which in turns warrants complaints of me being closed off…blah blah blah. 

So, thank goodness for the blog! =)

Cuz I feel like utter shit today.  My heart hurts, as usual…maybe a bit more than usual since things are back to silence.  I am stressed out on behalf of Stey who I know is not ready for school or dance to start and afraid that she hasn’t done enough to prepare for her future and it is probably my fault for not pushing her.  I am so hung up on avoiding conflict that I may be screwing her up.  My foot has decided now that it is starting to heal that it will hurt and the pain is radiating up my leg.  I am feeling fatter than usual which makes me want to eat more.  And now stupid allergies.  Thought I was going to spend time with a friend this weekend but got stood up and ended up going to see a movie alone on Saturday which normally is no big deal, but I really wanted to see this particular movie with someone so that we could discuss it.  And to top it off, I am pissed at him for standing me up and myself for thinking that he would follow through, which he never does and stressed because he knows I am mad at him, but I don’t want to talk about it.  I keep wanting to just let him go as a friend, but I don’t want to hurt him.  We have been friends on and off for more than half my life, but I just get sick of his bullshit excuses.  He is so fucking immature.  Work has overwhelmed me yet again.  And when it does that, I tend to avoid.  Same goes for the house.  I am worried about Yaspo who now has to stay inside because we can’t get him to stop escaping.  I am worried about money.  I am worried about Dom since there is no way I can go to Texas in September.  I am worried about sending my mom to Maine.  I am worried about my friend X who seems to have become agoraphobic and who posted some worrisome posts about relationships.  I am worried about BM and his girl who had a disturbing albeit brief break. I can’t stop thinking about what a failure I am at relationships…relationships of all kinds.  I worry about my apparent naivete.  I worry about my inability to take a plan from wishes to fruition.  I am tired of working so hard to do the right thing, to be the right person and to help everyone in anyway possible only to have it be met with lukewarm appreciation. 

By a strange coincidence, my sleeping seems to be improving, knock on wood.  I am still waking up and still not sleeping any where near eight hours, but it is more than I have been sleeping.  I hope that this is a continuing trend.  It has been 2-3 nights that I have noticed it.

So, I have purged all my whining for the moment.  Don’t really feel better, per se, but glad I have a place to let it out!

Comments:

X: 8/17/10 – No worries, for [I am ALWAYS sublime]. But thanks for caring ❤

As for being tired of always working so hard trying to do the right thing and never getting the results you’re expecting, my advice to you is: don’t.

We could die tomorrow and life would go on…. without a hitch, hiccup, or notice that we are no longer in the picture. That’s not a negative thought, its only realistic. And it helps to put EVERYTHING into perspective.

Sweet dreams. Hope you have a LONG restful night ❤

Me: 8/17/10 – Thanks, X. Unfortunately, my compulsive need…overactive ego?…has built in me this need to make a difference. It is probably that heathen thing in me. Since I don’t believe in an afterlife, I need to know that somehow I mattered on this earth and that I will make a difference that may live on. IDK, just a thought.

X: 8/17/10 – Not talking about an “afterlife” at all. Just saying don’t worry about what others “need” and their absent response to all your hard work to help them.

And if your quest is to make a difference I suggest you try to stop doing it on behalf of others and instead do it solely for yourself. Each external life has its own goals, desires, and accomplishments. You need to put all you energy into your own.

Two more things: I don’t think there’s not one heathen thing about you.

Lastly and more importantly: you’ve already made the largest difference any human ever can. By having the sublime daughter you’ve helped shape into the marvel we all know she is. It is *not* a small thing.

Not for the faint-hearted – Originally posted 8/19/10 (B&Ming)

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Comments:

Me: 8/20/10 – Great lunch with a great friend and an afternoon of laughs in between work may have not allowed me to catch up, but what a difference it made to lighten my mood. I am really going to miss him when he is gone ❤

X: 8/21/10 – To Timbuktu? *wink*

Me: 8/22/10 – Yessum! Oh well, can’t really say Bros Before Hos since I am not a Bro…hahaha At any rate, super happy for him. Just gonna be weird.

It’s Not Fair – Originally posted 8/24/10 (B&Ming)

I am so sick of hearing the same ol’ bullshit from that woman.  Her daughter gets to be SQ and UD among other things and they are unhappy that she didn’t get more parts.  Whereas my beautiful daughter didn’t get a fucking single lead or US lead and they are mad that Stey got more small parts than her.  WTF!?!  My daughter would be thrilled to have just one lead, particularly a froufrou lead and nothing else.  If she got DD and nothing else, she would be happy for life.  And this family is now stressed about getting another froufrou part this year when my daughter probably won’t even get a lead at all, much less a froufrou lead.  ARGH!!! I am sick of hearing her justify last year.  She should have been proud to get what she got.  Other girls would have killed for those amazing parts, even the US ones.  Stey was so happy to get USSQ this year.  She will probably never get to dance it, but she is so proud of that honor.  My little girl deserves more than they are giving her and it is killing me to see other girls take their blessings in vain…and the parents encouraging it.  I am terrified for Friday because I know Stey will end up crying all night.  And though I am already thrilled with the parts that we know she got, I understand how she feels and wish that I could say the right thing to make her feel better.  If I was more of a bitch, like other parent volunteers in the past, I would insist on special treatment, but I don’t want to undermine their judgements and I know Stey wouldn’t even want a part that was given to her just to shut me up…even if it was a dream part.  And, I can’t even eat away my stress =(

The Chicken or the Egg – Originally posted 8/28/10 (Musings)

I expected the last two days to be rough…things were going on that warranted some tough times in my emotional pool.  I expected a hard time both Thursday and Friday.  However, interspersed with the emotional were other things that occurred to make me even more stressed out.  Makes me wonder…would those things have bothered me so much if I had not already been vulnerable.  As with many things in the world, one can reflect on which came first…the chicken or the egg.  Did those extra little things become evident on my radar because I was already in an agitated mood?  Or did those things just serve to make me more agitated. 

I guess it doesn’t really matter because the end result is the same…two sucky days.  But, surprisingly, it is a new day.  Neither the chicken, nor the egg are bothering me.  For those of you who don’t me…let me say that this is major personal growth for me 😉

Fucking Karma – Originally posted 8/31/10 (Musings)

I have been criticized for my belief in karma…well, criticized may be too harsh of a word.  I have a friend who thinks its funny that I believe in it.  I don’t believe in the entire doctrine that is karma and its relation to Buddhism.  In fact, I am a “devout” atheist.  My belief is more Newtonian in basis.  I believe in balance.  “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” “Energy is neither created nor destroyed.”  I am no physicist.  I don’t even play one on TV.  But I am a scientist…perhaps not necessarily a practicing one, but the nature of science…its ability to be tangible, graspable…that has great appeal. 

So, why am I musing on karma?  Because I wonder why the fuck it works against me and never for me.  As I tell my non-believing friend, who by the way is agnostic, I always try to do the right thing.  I don’t have my afterlife in mind.  I just think that it is important to always put good out there.  I don’t even do good specifically so that good will happen to me.  But, I will admit that my motivation is often “so that bad DOESN”T happen.”  Obviously, bad still happens.  Obviously, I am not a perfect person, so one would expect that.  But, it seems that bitch karma kicks me in the ass whenever I start to feel good.  Ironically, my mind always turns to the seven deadly sins when I start feeling confident and prideful, because inevitably, that pride lasts for only moments before something bitch slaps me in the face to put me back in my place.  I wonder if I am being punished for my pride until I realize…who the hell would be punishing me?

This time, I announced that pride to the whole damn world via Facebook, text and email.  Luckily, I rarely have far to fall; however, it still hurts like hell when I land.

Fucking karma!

Romantic Realization – Originally posted 9/4/10 (Musings)

Hmmmm….title is a bit misleading.  Guess I should have called it Realization about Romance.

Just watching some silly Subaru commercial.  It was terribly romantic.  And before the commercial was over, I realized that my days of romance or even the hope for romance are over.

Unfortunately, I spent my adolescence setting myself up on that front.  I read romantic and racy novels from the time I was 13.  Rarely is there not a happy ending and more often than not, there is some kind of romantic stand taken on the part of one of the two lovers….generally, the male since the books do cater to women. 

In addition, over the years, one of my favorite genres of movie is the Rom Com.  How could one not fall in love with John Cusack again and again from his early years in movies like Better Off Dead and Say Anything…(sigh) to his more recent escapades like Must Love Dogs which has some of the best dialog for lead characters?  My weakness for intelligent, witty men makes it difficult not to crush or even fall head over heels for a man who can give me both…and if he articulates that into letters or poetry…DAMN!  I am a goner.

So, I spent from 13 to very recently hoping, wishing, daydreaming, fantasizing and actively trying to create this romance in my life.  I tried relationships of friendship, practicality, sex and love in the hopes of finding that romance in a partner.  I actively threw myself into being the perfect partner for my mate.  A couple of times, romance was manifested to me…particularly in writing, my favorite form of romance, in my relationships.  But time quickly kills it…or marriage…or living together.  They lead to complacency.  And complacency is the antidote to romance.

It has been few and far between instances that a man has given me romance.  Even being taken on a date at all is pretty unlikely.  So, to expect a romantic gesture would be very foolish of me.  Therefore, there is no expectations there at all.  But, as always, there has always been a flicker of hope.  That flicker grew to a flame not too long ago, but now it is finally starting to smolder and is silently being extinguished….with more and more frequent trips out of town over the years, with every anecdote shared, with every additional week of silence, I have realized, from watching a Subaru commercial, that I will never again be romanced…that the flame is guttering and no amount of oxygen will bring it back to life.

Strangely, the realization did not cause me any pain.  And considering the day I had…already cried thrice today…I am actually shocked by this.  This realization came to me with no stabbing pain in the heart, with no lump in the throat…it was just a statement my mind made to my heart.  And all my heart said in return was, “Hmmm…you’re right.  Interesting.”

Will I stop reading my chick lit?  No.  Will I stop going to see my Rom Coms?  No.  I am happy to know that it is still out there for others.   Strangely, it doesn’t hurt to know that it wasn’t meant for me….at least not today.  Don’t be surprised if you read about me contradicting this post in the near future…hahahaha.

Trying to make it work – Originally posted 9/5/10 (Musings)

I realize that many of my posts would be frustrating to readers because they are so full of whining with little attention to resolution….bitching and moaning for the sake of “hearing” myself?  So, I was determined to try something new today.  He came home after 2 weeks of being gone.  I think this is probably the 10th time he has been out of town this year, AT THE LEAST.  I certainly didn’t hear from him every day, and wouldn’t have cared.  But, I know he thought of us while he was gone.  He shared things with us that made it clear that he did.  So, my life will never go in the direction that I wanted to because of decisions made by others; therefore, it is time to take some control.  I decided that meant making it work, somehow.  He brought me back the jazz pants I requested.  So, I really meant to try…but he had to open his yap and destroy any motivation I had to succeed with my plan.  I really want to stop being such a bad person, but I am finding it incredibly difficult. 

The book I am currently deep into speaks of women who make it through these unhappy relationships…turning their backs on his indiscretions, finding happiness in other things or people, doing whatever they can to create a life that is satisfactory so that they don’t have to try to find another way to live.  Maybe they aren’t happy, but it is predictable.  There are no worries about what to do or where to go.  And besides, they made a vow…they made a commitment.  One must abide by ones’ decisions in life.  One must make it work. 

Is it so bad to want to just make it work?  Is it so bad to NOT care to make it work?  I am really struggling with what is RIGHT.  I am not motivated by a god or by an afterlife.  If I were, it would be much easier because it would be spelled out for me.  I can only be motivated by what is right and I am struggling with that determination.  I think it will end up being which decision is more right than another…or perhaps, which decision is less wrong than the other.

Here I am again…with no resolution…

Overreacting – Originally posted 9/7/10 (Musings)

I find that I tend to overreact to things whether good or bad.  Or perhaps it isn’t that I am overreacting…but reacting too quickly. 

The definition of react is “To act in response to or under the influence of a stimulus or prompting” according to freedictionary.com.  So, while it does not make any indication of the immediacy of the reaction, it does seem to suggest that action IS an immediate response.  When you think about reactions in chemistry, you usually think of an immediate and obvious response.  However, there are some that are not visibly immediate…take, for example, the process of photosynthesis.  The reaction of a plant cell to light stimulus IS immediate.  Yet, the visible results of that are not…growth can be charted on a short term scale, but not in any sense would one remark on that as being immediate.

So, how can I put into practice the act of waiting for a situation to fully develop before allowing a response? 

Last week, I was devastated by some happenings and I reacted by flipping Karma the bird.  I cried.  I was ready to quit my current passion.  But, out of character for me, I told myself to hold off a day.  Sure enough, things went back to normal and last night, I realized my worries were unfounded.  This is just one recent example. 

People have all ranges of abilities to deal with things as they come up…good or bad.  How we manifest our reactions determines how successful we are at dealing with things.  But after 40 years of reacting too fast to things, tempering those reactions so that I can deal with the situations appropriately will be difficult. 

In addition, are there cases where “quick to react” is a good attribute?  Absolutely.  Does this create an added complication?

Therefore, I must know when to react quickly and when to step back on not freak out (good or bad) until the situation has had time to fully present itself.

Geez it is hard to be a grown up…

Stars are Hungry – Originally posted 9/8/10 (Writings)

http://fooditude.wordpress.com/2010/09/08/im-always-hungy/

Writing is a little rough, but this blogger makes some great points. I am glad to see that they are, at least, pointing out that the stars are going hungry to look the way they look. So often, you see the press glamourizing the process by making it sound like the stars are just using exercise to look good or they just have good genes.

Mumbo Jumbo – Originally posted 9/13/10 (Musings)

I am having the hardest time clarifying my thoughts today.  I know that I am especially exhausted and this is a particularly hard week because of the circumstances, but I am just lost.  I just finished a book where one of the main characters was almost a duplicate of me in every way.  I thought that reading her story would solidify my own self-analysis, but instead, my most recent post is jumping all over the place and I can’t seem to find focus.  Maybe the day without a huge surge of endorphins has me all screwed up.  Perhaps I can focus tonight after a couple hours of danze….or maybe I just need some chocolate 😉

Never Again? – Originally posted 9/15/10 (Musings)

Once bitten, twice shy.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

This time, baby, I’ll be bulletproof.

There are probably dozens more “sayings” and songs that allude to the fact that once you get burned, you won’t let yourself get burned again.  For me, I certainly thought that was a fact.  I specifically engineered my life to avoid it happening again.  The results weren’t necessarily what I was hoping for in life, but it does provide an effective shield from intimacy with others.  If I were to become enchanted with someone, it would not be hard to keep him at arm’s length because I have something to hide behind.  

So, what happens when you are not as bulletproof as you thought?  Do you reinstitute your Never Again Policy…again?  And how do you go about insuring that your heart will abide.  It is funny how you can tell people that you would never again put yourself out there and not a single person will believe you.  I don’t think I even believed myself the first time around….at least not after the immediate pain of loss had diminished.  Of course, I was never committed in my mind that my first love would ever want to stay with me anyway.  I always believed it would end…and perhaps it did because of a self-fulfilling prophecy.  But despite my insistence that I would not let it happen again, I fell like a ton of bricks.  I held off for a while, but alas, my constitution was weak and again, it was the foolish choice.

Are we programmed against allowing ourselves to be alone…if not physically, emotionally?  Is that why no one believes you when you say “never again?”  The result of my not being able to commit to my resolution was utter, apocalyptic destruction of my heart and soul…at least that is how it felt.  So, if I had been able to just stay resolute, none of this would have ever happened.  So, again, I say “never again” and again, no one believes me.  Of course, I cannot describe to people how I have come to, truly from the depths of my heart, believe that I will never again allow myself to be that vulnerable.  But even if I could, I don’t think anyone would believe me.  I wonder if someday, I will stop believing it.  I sincerely hope not because with every time you resolve to something and fail at it, you trust yourself that much less.

I try very hard not to come across as bitter.  I have a very good friend who is on the verge of moving across the country for his “new” love.  I have another friend marrying her partner of 8+ years for whom I must be particularly non-bitter since I am one of her bridesmaids.  I have a daughter who is just discovering that love is not so easy.  I don’t want to rain on anyone else’s parade. Partly, it is selfish, I know.  I don’t want to be construed as some bitter old hag.  But, partly, it is just that I believe that unhappiness is NOT in the cards for everyone.  While physics brings us chaos theory, it also tells us there must be balance and with balance that means that some people will be blissful and others will not.  I have not quite “accepted” my place with the “will nots,” but, I certainly “understand” that is where I am and I will do everything in my power to NEVER AGAIN let myself be put in the position to be burned again.

Comments:

X: 9/16/10 – I have so much to say and… can’t seem to straighten it all out to say it…

Me: 9/16/10 – I know what you mean. This was my second attempt at this post. I just didn’t feel like my thoughts were very cohesive the first time around, hence a shorter post the day or so before, but, I figured this was as good as it was going to get. I probably jumped around a lot and contradicted myself…sorry…hahahaha.

Kept – Originally posted 9/15/10 (Musings)

As I lay in bed last night, attempting to fall back asleep, I was reminded of particular women in history.  Today, as I researched the differing names for these similar women, I am astounded by the subtleties in difference between them.

The oldest job in the world – from stories that Mary Magdalene was a repentant prostitute to today where states and countries allow/regulate prostitution,  it certainly has been around for a long time.  The defining characteristic of prostitution is the exchange of money or goods for sexual favors.  There are  LOT of names for these individuals…most of which are feminine in nature.  In some cases, these words, such as harlot, whore, ho, etc. have come to also mean “promiscuous” though a person who is promiscous isn’t necessarily taking money or goods in exchange for sex.

Concubine – I had misunderstood this word to describe a woman who provided sexual favors to someone of power, but in fact, it is a woman who cannot marry a man of power, usually because of the discrepancy in their social standing and therefore lives as a wife to the man without actually being a wife.  While I did not find any indication of “love” in that definition, I would assume that love can be among the reasons that a man of power might have a concubine.  Concubines were often used to provide legitimate heirs to a man of power and the woman were recognized members of the man’s “family.”

Courtesan – like a prostitute, this woman specifically provides sexual favors, but in her case, she is of service to men in royal court or otherwise in high social standing.  In more modern terms, this might be what we now have in high priced male and female escorts….individuals who can be discreet, provide necessary social benefits and still give the sex that is the primary target.

Odalisque – for men who kept harems, this woman slave was called an odalisque.  I get the impression that these women are in similar regard as concubines except that there are numerous serving these men of power and providing children/services.

Mistress – as social standings, particularly in America, become less stratified by gender, the “process” of having a mistress becomes much more varied.  Where it used to be that a “kept” woman was provided for in exchange for this relationship which often focused on sex, the word mistress is not always indicative of a a woman (or man) being “kept.”  A mistress (lover, paramour, etc.) may not always be someone who is getting something in return other than the relationship and sex alone.  Men and women take lovers just for the purpose of having that lover either for sexual reasons, emotional reasons or both.  The one thing that remains the same is that this is indicative of an extramarital relationship.

Comfort or camp woman – women have often been “provided” to military personnel in history.  These prostitutes provide specific service to the active military and the governing bodies are assured that the men are more focused, I suppose.

So, where does that leave a woman who stays in an unhappy marriage, providing “services” for a variety of reasons?  In my readings, I find that there are a number of reasons why women do this…some get the comfort and security of a home, some do it to avoid fighting/arguing, some do it to be a good wife.  Do these women…these women with no name differ from the above women?  Do we pity them?  Do we look at them with disgust?  Do we condone their behavior since they are married to the men for whom they “service?”  In no definition that I have found does it state that a “wife” provides specific services to her husband and yet when speaking with husbands and wives, there is an expectation…to some, an obligation to do so.  In cases where a wife no longer wishes to do so, the husband may find other resources for that need whilst some may choose to find other outlets for that energy.  Unfortunately, there are some husbands who become angry, moody, sullen, etc. at the refusal by the wife.  Is it unacceptable to consider the man to be treating his wife like a whore when he sets those expectations on her?  And does the woman become a whore when she gives in for whatever reason even when she does not want to?

Comments:

X: 9/16/10 – Ditto… a whole lot to say, unsure of how to say it…

But I will say this: very, extremely, completely profound thoughts here…

My mind is reeling in so many thoughts… I’ll get back to you =)

Me: 9/16/10 – I understand. This didn’t come out as “clever” as I had hoped. I guess I need to get myself a little voice recorder so that when these thoughts occur to me an inopportune times, I can get down the things that instigate the idea as a whole. Or, better yet, I need my own Tommyknocker

Critters – Originally posted 9/16/10 (B&Ming)

I am fertile. I hate knowing the exact days when I can conceive. It is so sadly frustrating. Useless information….

Scarlet Letter – Originally posted 9/19/10 (Musings)

Went to see Easy A this weekend…loved it!

It did make me reflect on my own life a bit.   I, myself, identified with the downtrodden in the movie who were requesting her services more than any other character(s).  However, there were elements from other characters that I could also relate to.  Funnily, one of the things that I most identified with was the lead’s compulsion to fix everything for everyone despite the negative attention she received.  She is told that she is doing it because negative attention is still attention, but being a person who struggles with a compulsion to fix everything, I can definitely see the reality of this kind of person.

But, perhaps, above all, I think about the person who is unhappy and seeks happiness elsewhere, despite social convention, commitments, etc.  Hester fell in love with a minister and bore an illegitimate child as a result.  This certainly is against the puritanical notions of the time and today, depending on where you live, it might still be considered inappropriate behavior.  But when you really think about it and look at it, is it so bad? Can the same be said for a man or woman who betrays his/her vows to seek happiness, love, etc?  You almost feel sorry for the guidance counselor in the movie who sleeps with an of-age student because she admits to being a “whore” for her own reasons.  Later in the movie, you loathe her for her additional behavior, but it is interesting how we can forgive the indiscretions of individuals when looked at from a case by case basis, especially in light of these changing times.  If she hadn’t behaved poorly later in the movie, the audience would have forgiven her.

Comment:

RKS2: 9/19/10 – Great post. I love how movies can make you reflect on your life. I find that happening quite often. I even find myself relating to the oddest of characters.

Gonna have to see this one. Thanks for sharing.

Me: 9/19/10 – Hope I didn’t ruin the movie for you. I guess I should have given a little “spoiler alert” notification at the beginning. Best wishes.

Sap – Originally posted 9/21/10 (Musings)

Having a hard time with sappy romance bullshit today….well, yesterday, since I wasn’t in the mood to complete my thoughts at that time beyond telling someone that they were posting a lot of sappy stuff. =)

I certainly am guilty of posting my own sappy b.s. either on my blog or on Facebook, but I don’t think mine has ever been to the level of the sap that my best bud is recently posting.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very, very happy for him.  But, my “yeah, right” reflex is kicking in everytime I see anything.  It is hard to temper.  Especially since I am utterly and eternally jealous…hahahaha.  If my love was posting that stuff for ME, I would be eating it up, walking on clouds, loving every minute of it. 

I guess I am feeling like I will never have someone that in love with me and I am feeling that it can’t possibly be true for any man to be that way.  Perhaps he is the exception that proves the rule…hahaha.  But I know that is not true.  I know that he really does honestly feel that way about his love and I know that there are a lot of men and women alike who feel that way…honestly, to the bottom of their soul…about someone.  I myself feel it for someone.

I guess my “yeah right” reflex is rooted in the deep belief that I will never have someone love me like that….someone who wants everyone to know….someone who is willing to make himself vulnerable….someone who is willing to take the constant comments, both “good” and “bad” regarding his sappiness….hahahaha…at least not someone for whom I also feel so strongly about.  Unrequited love is a bitch…

But know this, no matter how jealous or grudging I may sound, I am completely happy for my friend and for my one who have each found their one.  And for my friends who move along like me in what passes for contentment, I will continue to wish for them that they will find their way, despite being unable to allow myself the courage to make my own way.  I see so much beauty and love in my friends and in myself, only sniping, unlovable, YUCK!

So, sap on, my friend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjhCEhWiKXk

Here is the “sap” that started the whole thing

I’d rather be… – Originally posted 9/22/10 (Writings)

Sleeping. Sewing. Playing with kids. Reading a book. Dancing. Listening to music.  Buying something fun.  Decorating for a holiday. Eating Thai food.  Cooking.  Zumba. Writing. Choreographing.  Kissing.  Watching a movie.  Designing a new costume.  Flirting.  Laughing.  Surfing the interweb.  Painting.  Getting a back rub.  Walking on the beach.  Listening to the breeze in the trees.  Surfing YouTube.  Playing air hockey.  Roasting a marshmallow to the perfect toasty on the outside and warm n gooey in the center state.  Digging a hole in the sand with my toes at White Sands.  Sharing a picnic on a beautiful day.  Singing Boom Chicka Boom.  Holding hands.  Watching the stars.  Listening to the rain.  Hiking.  Fixing someone’s problem.  Getting the right answer on Jeopardy.  Smelling fresh baked bread.  Finding a surprise.  Smelling flowers. Savoring a delicious dessert.  Drinking ice cold water.  Slipping into clean, cool sheets.  Curled up on the sofa with my one.  Winning the lottery.  Wearing cute shoes. Watching my dog run full speed just for the joy of the run.  Anywhere but here…

Comments:

 RKS3: 9/22/10 – Nice post.

Fugly – Originally posted 9/24/10 (B&Ming)

Clothes can be deceiving.

Yesterday, feeling very ugly and unworthy.  I know that my dear friends would disagree and perhaps they really mean it and are not just saying it to be nice, but the feeling was so severe as to make me feel sick in the head and the heart.  I was a complete bitch and I struggled to not break down and cry.  I can understand completely where an anorexic is coming from because no matter how much weight I lose, I cannot physically see a difference in my body.  When I put on clothes, I feel empowered and lovely.  It is obvious that I have lost and it is a huge lift when even my size six jeans can now be slid down off my body without unbuttoning them.  But when the clothes come off, I just wanna cry.  Parts look like a deflated balloon and other parts just look FAT.  Even now, I am on the verge of tears thinking about myself in the mirror.

Wednesday night at danze, I lifted my pant leg to show a friend an exercise for the knee and when I saw the fat and skin that settles around my knee, I was embarrassed and ashamed to show her.  You couldn’t even tell what I was doing because it was so disgusting.  And the worst part is that she is 2 years older than me and her weight loss has resulted in nice tight skin.

It makes me feel like shit when people point out what I still need to lose, rightly so.  But it also makes me feel like shit when people tell me to stop losing because I realize that even if I can get to a place where I feel comfortable, I am apparently going to still look like shit.  The skin is so saggy and it is a testament to all the years that I let myself be heavy.  My skin, soft as it is, just isn’t elastic enough to recover and short of cost-prohibitive surgery, I am going to be stuck here.

To top it all off, the caption of a picture I saw last night threw me deeper into my funk.  I know I am supposed to want this only for me, but obviously, being human, I would like to…for once in my life…be attractive to others as well.  I have always been tolerated by the people who care about me.  But it is becoming evident that no matter how hard I work, I will never be considered attractive, cute, etc.  I fear that I am subconsciously trying to fix something I lost earlier this year even though I KNOW that ship has sailed.  A friend once said that she feared reaching her goal weight because it protected her from having to re-identify herself and she could use her weight as a buffer and scapegoat for bad situations.  She sabotaged her own weight loss for years as a result.  (*side note: she has lost over 100 pounds in the last year thanks to finally just making a commitment to herself to get her life on track).

And I am working exceptionally hard.  If I hear “you just need to tone up” one more time, I am going to go off on someone.  What the hell do you think I have been doing?  So, now, I have been given a free 90 day membership to a real gym.  I am going to add more classes and pump some iron and hope that it will all finally kick in, but I will do with skepticism, because I just don’t see how that loose skin is going to change.  Amanda told me to fill the skin with muscle, but I don’t want to look so buff like her.  I like the tone I have when I can disguise the loose skin.  I don’t want to bulk up. 

But am I being unrealistic?  My beliefs on “balance” have me feeling like I DESERVE to have the tight, hard body that I have put the time and energy into achieving despite the punishment for having been so cavalier about my body in the past.  I am more than making up for it.  However, the balance is still leaning heavily away from me.  I look disgusting in a different way.  Is it unrealistic for me to think that my body can ever recover at this age after having been so heavy for so long?

I suspect that a friend or two might read this and want to comment to the contrary, but before any do so, let me just remind you that you have not seen me without my clothes…none of you have.  It is a disturbing sight.

My “boss” told me I need to diet. When I told Stey, she was mortified, but I reminded her that she and all my friends and family remember me as I was, so my achievement is obvious and seems to be adequate, whereas someone who didn’t know me before only sees what I have left to achieve.

A Little Americana – Originally posted 9/27/10 (Musings)

Robert Browning wrote to his sickly wife “Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.”  I think of this and similar allusions to this Americana icon of sitting on one’s porch with one’s mate as you grow old together.  (Yes, I know the Brownings were British, but this seems to be one of those things that always goes hand in hand with American pop culture…literature, film, etc.). 

It was early evening and I sat on my own front porch swing as my husband leaves for a walk with our rambunctious dog. I was in the process of trying to come up with the Poll question.  It was a beautiful evening, though I was feeling melancholy.  As I designed my poll question (“In literature and film, one often hears the protagonist speak of his/her mate in terms of sitting on the porch growing old together.  What do you think of that “dream?”), my own thoughts centered around the work “hokum.”  Again, it is my knee-jerk reaction to anything regarding lasting love.  My mind KNOWS that it is not hokum for everyone.  My heart wants that kind of feeling with a particular someone, but I still can’t get past my own reaction that it will never happen for me. 

So, I swang there alone….Albo off with the dog, Stey goofing off on the computer…thinking about how lonely it was, but that it was still beautiful….wishing for the day when I can just swing in contentment and not feel the obsessive need to have someone with me to feel complete.  I tried to tap into some small glimmer of that contentment, but my mind was awhir and I just needed to occupy it elsewhere.  So, I left the swing and moved on to other, more productive activities.

So, why, through all the evidence to the contrary, do some of us still hold on to the dream that we may be with our one and only someday?  Plato believed in Soul Mates or Twin Souls; that each of us was born with four arms and legs and two faces and that Zeus in his jealousy of the power of humans, split us in two with his lightning and cast us away from our other part so that we would endlessly be searching for our other half.  But in a world of 7 billion people, what are the chances that we will find that other half?  Technology has certainly helped to make the world smaller in that matter.  My dear friend met his other half on the internet just by luck after having spoken with her sister who he met on a game.  He wasn’t even seeking her.  Another friend met her other half in high school.  My father met his other half as a young man and didn’t complete the cycle until he was aged and their kids were long gone.  An acquaintance moved to Asia from here and met his.  Plato’s theory is idyllic and romantic as a theory, but wretchedly unattainable to most of us in practice.  And yet, it is still programmed into us somewhere…whether by Plato’s theory, some unknown genetic code, or just simple social conditioning, it is always there on our minds.

Unfortunately, the theory doesn’t account for those who find their one, but aren’t the one in return.  My theory on this is based on that of DNA and evolution.  Being split apart is bound to cause damage at the matching points….damage that will mean that one may no longer match up with their one.  So, now, your one matches another.  I will have to think on that some more….

I Found the Tootsie Rolls – Originally posted 9/29/10 (HHJJ)

I bought a 4 lb bag of Halloween candy for my office since I have some whiners that my candy jar always has lame candy in it….hahaha.  Today, I skipped a snack and tried to use bubble gum and smarties to quiet my hunger.  Sadly, those are not very effective.  So I went searching for the Tootsie Rolls.  How can a four pound bag of candy only have two Tootsie Rolls in it?  I’ve been popping other candies left and right, trying to stop thinking about the damn Tootsie Rolls, but it is the only thing that I can imagine would be substantial enough to satiate my hunger.  ARGH!

Oh wait, there they are….at the bottom of the candy dish.  Yay!

From “The Mirror Has Two Faces” – Originally posted on 9/30/10 (Writings)

Barbra’s character is  a popular literature professor at Columbia University.  This scene depicts one of her lectures on love which is misunderstood by male lead, Jeff Bridges as he is looking for a solution to his problems with love.

This is the scene at my sister’s wedding.
              She’s getting drunk, regretting that she got married for the third time.
              My mom’s sprouting snakes from her hair in jealousy. lt was perfect …
              We’ve got three feminine archetypes: The divine whore, Medusa –
              – and me. What archetype am l?
              – The Virgin Mary? – Thanks a lot, Trevor.
              No, the faithful handmaiden. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
              lt proves what Jung said all along.
              Myths and archetypes are alive and well and living in my apartment.
              As l stood beside the altar beside my sister and her husband to be, –
              – it struck me that this ritual, a wedding ceremony, –
              – is the last scene of a fairy tale. They never say what happens after.
              That Cinderella drove the prince mad by obsessively cleaning the castle.
              They don’t say what happens after because there is no after.
              The be-all and end-all of romantic love was … Mike?
              – Sex? – You have sex on the brain.
              – Marriage. – But it wasn’t always like that.
              The   th century had ”courtly love”, which had nothing to do with sex.
              The relationship between a knight and a married lady of the court …
              And so they could never consummate their love.
              They rose above ”going to the toilet in front of each other” love, –
              – and went after something more divine.
              They took sex out of the equation, leaving them with a union of souls.
              Think of this. Sex was always the fatal love potion.
              Look at the literature of the time.
              All consummation could lead to was madness, despair or death.
              Experts, scholars and my Aunt Esther are united in one belief:
              True love has spiritual dimensions, while romantic love is a lie.
              A myth. A soulless manipulation. And speaking of manipulation …
              lt’s like going to the movies and seeing the lovers kiss …
              The music swells, and we buy it, right?
              So when my date kisses me, and l don’t hear strings, l dump him.
              The question is, why do we buy it?
              Because, myth or manipulation, we all want to fall in love.
              That experience makes us feel completely alive.
              Our everyday reality is shattered, and we are flung into the heavens.
              lt may only last a moment, an hour, but that doesn’t diminish its value.
              We’re left with memories we treasure for the rest of our lives.
              l read, ”When we fall in love, we hear Puccini in our heads.”
              l love that. His music expresses our need for passion and romantic love.
              We listen to La Bóheme or Turandot, or read Wuthering Heights, –
              – or watch Casablanca, and a little of that love lives in us too.
              So the final question is: Why do people want to fall in love –
              – when it can have such a short run and be so painful?
              – Propagation of the species? – We need to connect with somebody.
              – Are we culturally preconditioned? – Good, but too intellectual for me.
              l think it’s because, as some of you may already know …
              While it does last, it feels fucking great.

It’s Hard to be a Mommy – Originally posted 10/2/10 (B&Ming)

Please don’t think I am complaining, because I actually had a wonderful time today with my daughter, but I hate that she spent time with me rather than getting out and enjoying the weekend with friends.  I feel like I am ruining her.  I don’t have many friends and don’t do much with others unless it pertains to an activity.  I know that people think I am nice or a good person, but I never get invited to do much…haven’t even spoken to one of my best friends in a week.  I am just not one to push myself on others and I fear that this comes across to Stey as being anti-social and so she is taking on that same habit.  It makes me so sad, because spending time with friends can be a great time.  I am disappointed that I no longer have that in my life, but I feel to blame that Stey doesn’t either.  I don’t know how to push it. 

I guess I shouldn’t worry because she said she had a wonderful day.  And now she is doing ICC on WoW.  I just don’t want her to end up as unhappy as I am at this age…or younger.  It is so incredibly impossible to be a parent.

That is why they call it “Falling” – Originally posted 10/4/10 (Musings)

“Falling Into You”  – Celine Dion

And in your eyes I see ribbons of color

I see us inside of each other

I feel my unconscious merge with yours

And I hear a voice say, “What’s his is hers”

I’m falling into you

This dream could come true

And it feels so good falling into you

I was afraid to let you in here

Now I have learned love can’t be made in fear

The walls begin to tumble down

And I can’t even see the ground

I’m falling into you

This dream could come true

And it feels so good falling into you

Falling like a leaf, falling like a star

Finding a belief, falling where you are

Catch me, don’t let me drop!

Love me, don’t ever stop!

So close your eyes and let me kiss you

And while you sleep I will miss you

I’m falling into you

This dream could come true

And it feels so good falling into you

Falling like a leaf, falling like a star

Finding a belief, falling where you are

Falling into you

Falling into you

Falling into you

It is strange to me that we call it Falling and yet it is still seen as a good thing.  Since when is falling good?  I have never fallen when it didn’t hurt.  This song is a beautiful thought.  And it really does feel like this…no matter how reluctant you are, when it is right, you can’t help but let the walls crumble and allow him into your heart and soul.  But someday, you have to stop falling.  Eventually, you hit the cold, hard ground and never want to get up again.  Maybe you will be the one that only hits the ground once death does part you, but it is more likely that you will look down one day and see that you are hurtling towards the ground at breakneck speed.  And whether you see it coming or not, it hurts like hell.  And the higher you have allowed yourself to get, the worse the impact will be.

I remember when I was alone and would listen to this song thinking that this was the song that I wanted to be the soundtrack to my lovemaking with my ONE.  What beautiful rapture. 

But, now, I take a lesson.  When you look up “fall” you find that except in love, it is never a positive thing.  And in love, it still means that pain will come…

fall  (fôl)

v. fell (f l), fall·en (fô l n), fall·ing, falls

v.intr. 1. To drop or come down freely under the influence of gravity.

2. To drop oneself to a lower or less erect position: I fell back in my chair. The pilgrims fell to their knees.3. a. To lose an upright or erect position suddenly.b. To drop wounded or dead, especially in battle.4. To go or come as if by falling: All grief fell from our hearts. Night fell quickly.5. To come to rest; settle: The light fell on my book.6. To hang down: The child’s hair fell in ringlets.7. To be cast down: Her eyes fell.8. To assume an expression of consternation or disappointment: His face fell when he heard the report.9. To undergo conquest or capture, especially as the result of an armed attack: The city fell after a long siege.10. a. To experience defeat or ruin: After 300 years the dynasty fell.b. To lose office: The disgraced prime minister fell from power.11. To slope downward: The rolling hills fall gently toward the coast.12. a. To lessen in amount or degree: The air pressure is falling.b. To decline in financial value: Last year, stocks fell sharply.13. To diminish in pitch or volume: My friend’s voice fell to a whisper.14. a. To give in to temptation; sin.b. Theology To lose primordial innocence and happiness. Used of humanity as a result of the Fall.c. To lose one’s chastity.15. To pass into a particular state, condition, or situation: fell silent; fall in love.16. To occur at a specified time: New Year’s Day falls on a Tuesday this year.17. To occur at a specified place: The stress falls on the last syllable.18. To come, as by chance: fell among a band of thieves; a thought that fell into his mind.19. a. To be given by assignment or distribution: The greatest task fell to me.b. To be given by right or inheritance.20. To be included within the range or scope of something: The specimens fall into three categories.21. To come into contact; strike: My gaze fell on a small book in the corner.22. To come out; issue: Insincere compliments fell from their lips.23. To apply oneself: fell to work immediately.24. To be born. Used chiefly of lambs.

v.tr. To cut down (a tree); fell.

n. 1. The act or an instance of falling.

2. A sudden drop from a relatively erect to a less erect position.3. Something that has fallen: a fall of hail.4. a. An amount that has fallen: a fall of two inches of rain.b. The distance that something falls: The victim suffered a fall of three stories to the ground.5. Autumn.6. falls (used with a sing. or pl. verb) A waterfall.7. A downward movement or slope.8. Any of several pendent articles of dress, especially: a. A veil hung from a woman’s hat and down her back.b. An ornamental cascade of lace or trimming attached to a dress, usually at the collar.c. A woman’s hairpiece with long, free-hanging hair.9. a. An overthrow; a collapse: the fall of a government.b. Armed capture of a place under siege: the fall of Troy.10. A reduction in value, amount, or degree.11. A marked, often sudden, decline in status, rank, or importance: “turned them in, set them up for prosecution; positioned them, as it were, for the fall” (Joan Didion).12. a. A moral lapse.b. A loss of chastity.13. often Fall Theology The loss of humanity’s original innocence and happiness resulting from Adam and Eve’s eating of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.14. Sports a. The act of holding a wrestling opponent on his or her back so that the shoulders remain in contact with the mat for a designated period, usually one or two seconds, thereby winning the match. Also called pin.b. Any of various wrestling maneuvers resulting in such an act.15. Nautical a. A break or rise in the level of a deck.b. falls The apparatus used to hoist and transfer cargo or lifeboats.16. The end of a cable, rope, or chain that is pulled by the power source in hoisting.17. a. The birth of an animal, especially a lamb.b. All the animals born at one birth; a litter.18. A family of woodcock in flight. See Synonyms at flock1.19. Botany The outer series of perianth in the irises and related plants.

adj. 1. Of, having to do with, occurring in, or appropriate to the season of fall: fall fashion; fall harvests.

2. Grown during the season of fall: fall crops.Phrasal Verbs:

fall apart 1. To break down; collapse: The rickety chair fell apart.

2. To suffer a nervous breakdown: He fell apart after years as a POW.

fall away 1. To withdraw one’s friendship and support.

2. To become gradually diminished in size.3. To drift off an established course.4. To lose weight.

fall back 1. To give ground; retreat.

2. To recede: The waves fell back.

fall behind 1. To fail to keep up a pace; lag behind.

2. To be financially in arrears.

fall down To fail to meet expectations; lag in performance: fell down on the job.

fall for 1. To feel love for; be in love with.

2. To be deceived or swindled by: fell for the con artist’s scheme and lost $200,000.

fall in 1. To take one’s place in a military formation.

2. To sink inward; cave in: The roof of the old barn fell in.

fall off 1. To become less; decrease: Stock prices have fallen off. The number of staff meetings fell off after a few months.

2. To lose weight: Toward the end of the dry season, the cattle fall off rapidly.3. Nautical To change course to leeward.

fall on/upon 1. To attack suddenly and viciously: Snipers and irregulars fell on the hapless patrol.

2. To meet with; encounter: a stockbroker who fell on hard times.

fall out 1. a. To leave a barracks, for example, in order to take one’s place in a military formation.

b. To leave a military formation.2. To quarrel: The siblings fell out over their inheritance.3. To happen; occur.4. To be readily explainable; follow logically or naturally: These facts fall out nicely from the new theory.

fall through To fail; miscarry: Our plans fell through at the last minute.

fall to To begin an activity energetically: “The press fell to with a will” (Russell Baker).

Idioms:

fall back on/upon 1. To rely on: fall back on old friends in time of need.

2. To resort to: I had to fall back on my savings when I was unemployed.

fall between (the) two stools To fail because of an inability to reconcile or choose between two courses of action.

fall flat 1. To fail miserably when attempting to achieve a result.

2. To have no effect: The jokes fell flat.

fall foul/afoul 1. Nautical To collide. Used of vessels.

2. To clash: fell foul of the law.

fall from grace To experience a major reduction in status or prestige.

fall into line To adhere to established rules or predetermined courses of action.

fall on deaf ears To go unheeded; be ignored completely: “Moscow’s own familiar charges . . . will also fall on deaf ears” (Foreign Affairs).

fall over backward/backwards To overexert oneself to do or accomplish something: We fell over backward to complete the project on time.

fall over (oneself) To display inordinate, typically effusive, enthusiasm: fell over themselves to impress the general’s wife.

fall prey to To be put into such a vulnerable position as to be at risk of harm, destruction, or invasion: a person who fell prey to swindlers; did not want the country to fall prey to terrorists.

fall short 1. To fail to attain a specified amount, level, or degree: an athlete whose skill fell far short of expectations.

2. To prove inadequate: Food supplies fell short.

fall through the cracks To pass unnoticed, neglected, or unchecked: “In the past, many learning disabled children fell through the cracks” (Judith Harkness Richardson).

Paroxysm of the Heart – Originally posted 10/6/10 (Musings)

It is astounding to me that emotional pain can cause a physical reaction in the body.  When I experience abrupt fear (such as the fear of falling when I trip on stairs or when someone gives me some really bad news), my face gets this painful and hot twinge.  It is immediate and leaves as abruptly as it comes, but it is how I know that I was really scared about something.  I know my face probably has experienced a sudden surge of blood flow since I have often been told that my face has “blushed” in some particular situation.

What I wonder is what is causing the paroxysm of the heart when one experiences a reaction to something “heartwrenching”.  This morning, I read something that made me experience such a gripping pain in my heart….and not just my heart.  It causes an immediate loss of air to my lungs.  Again, this feeling is only momentary.  The lasting emotional response can result in crying, depression, etc., but the actual physical “symptoms” are fleeting, albeit harshly painful/uncomfortable.  This physical manifestation must be coming from the emotional because even after months of “healing” they still arise when I read, hear, feel something particularly troubling with regard to my problems earlier this spring.

I am not interested in hearing about a psychologists take on this manifestation.  I am curious about the actual physical mechanism that causes this.  For probably hundreds of years or more, we have called it “heartache” and that is a completely accurate description of the feeling.  But what is the physical relationship to the emotional?  And do I have the patience to research it, or do I just want to try to re-bury it all and hope that it doesn’t pop up unexpectedly again like it did this morning? Hahaha.

Personal Trainers – Originally posted 10/6/10 (B&Ming)

I always thought it would get me motivated…but sadly, it only made me more depressed than ever.  I wish I could take the X article to heart and feel that I am perfect just as I am =(

And top of it all…I am going to be dying tomorrow…hahahaha

From Shinola to Shit – Originally posted on 10/7/10 (B&Ming)

Lost a good friend today. No, she didn’t pass away.  It is worse than that.  Strange circumstances that I cannot fix, nor does it appear that it will ever be fixed.  Other than the occasional unexpected pop in from random kind strangers, she was probably the only one who read this blog and I suspect she never will return.  She defriended me on Facebook.  Not that Facebook is the end all, be all of relationship status markers, but I think that it is a pretty good indicator.

And the day started so well.  I had THE most awesome danze class this morning.  The day progressively got worse, harder, stranger until the fateful text.  I am just so sorry about all the drama and mess.  I just want to fix what I can’t fix…as per usual.

I will continue to write here because I use it to get stuff off my chest…and I will be hopeful that she will see it in her heart to be my friend again.

Hmmmm….looks like I may have been defriended by someone else, too. May be time to get off FB…or just use it for danze, anyway.

TGIF – Originally posted on 10/8/10 (Musings)

Not really grateful that it is Friday…it is just another day.  Still have a million things to do.  Still have situations to deal with.  Worried about teaching tomorrow.  I love to, but when I am feeling like this, every little thing I do makes me worried that I am doing every little thing wrong and that others will be unhappy because of me.  I guess that is the ultimate sign of an ego. 

I used to tease a friend about his ego with regard to always thinking that his MG was “after” him, but perhaps it is me with the huge ego.  I am the one who volunteers for everything….probably in an effort to feel better about myself and to try to balance out the bad in my life (e.g. hateful thoughts, speeding, anger, lack of patience, etc.).  I am the one who is constantly trying to fix everything for me and others probably because of my obsessive need to be “right” all the time. 

Is it human nature to be so caught up in one’s own ego?  Or is it just me?

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