Today, I am defeated by my own internal dialogue.  By a strange coincidence, yesterday, I read and reposted a  blog about the internal dialogue of youngsters and our responsibility as a community to not negatively impact it.  The blogger made a pact to improve his/her own internal dialogue and in a way, I suppose I did, too.

Now, most people are not going to be able to give themselves such daily affirmations as little Jessica:

But, it certainly isn’t a bad thing to TRY…especially after my little incident this morning.

I am finally within 5 pounds of my weight loss goal.  Yet, I still self-identify as fat.  I am still very self-conscious about my weight and when I look at myself, I only see the glass half empty.  This morning, when I told my daughter my progress, she came to me and gave me this long speech about how proud she was of me.  She went on and on about my talents and how great I was doing…that I was such an inspiration.  All I could do was nod and bite my tongue to keep from telling her that it was utter BS. 

That damned internal dialogue wouldn’t even allow me to accept this beautiful compliment from my daughter.  It is like there is a forcefield deflecting all positive thoughts from being internalized.  I liken it to conception.  There is a chemical process that occurs once one single sperm has penetrated the egg wall.  The reaction is instantaneous, creating a barrier from any additional sperm entering the egg.  That is how it is with one’s internal dialogue.  Once the negative has entered, the shell becomes impenetrable to the positive.  And, this embryo quickly matures and progresses into a parasitic organism that drains your ego and esteem to feed on anything positive that you might try to convey in your life.

Using affirmations, self-talk, therapy, etc. are ways that one can, supposedly, chip away at that shell so that it can be penetrated by the good.  Unfortunately, that dialogue keeps you doubting its efficacy which, cyclically, lessens its efficacy. 

It is a vicious circle.  It is a frustrating situation.